It's 1:42am and I'm sitting here trying to fight back the tears.
This whole week I have been really excited and looking forward to Emma's 4th hot chocolate sale fundraiser for JDRF. It's always a fun time...we meet a TON of new people affected by diabetes, we get to spend time with the old familiar friends that stand alongside us every minute of every day fighting this disease...trying to make it work...trying to make it normal...trying to survive each day, and we do our best to spread awareness and raise some funds for JDRF. It's always a good day. I always wind up coming home at the end of it and feeling good...a lightness about my heart knowing that we are not alone...feeling proud of my little girl for coming up with this idea in the first place and proud of her for standing up and doing her part to beat this every day.
However right now I am sad. I'm sitting here staring at the pile of things we have all set to go in the morning. The signs, the prizes, the supplies...it's all waiting by the front door...and it's sort of hit me...this is our 4th time doing this. It's our 4th time standing out there fighting to come out on top. Our 4th time correcting the general public's opinion and perspective of Type 1 Diabetes. Our 4th time putting ourselves out there and doing the only thing we CAN do to help fight this...raise money and educate. Diabetes has taken so much from us...our ability to make every day things easy...our ability to spare our children from having to grow up and mature before they otherwise would have had to...our ability to sleep peacefully and soundly at night...so much...it has taken so much from us. So this simple little fundraiser is the one thing we can do...the one thing that makes us feel like we have purpose in all of this chaos...the one thing that helps grab us by the shoulders and pulls us back up onto our feet.
It's our 4th time doing this though...and there's still not a cure. It makes my heart hurt and is giving me quite the battle with allowing the tears to fall from my eyes right now. I'm struggling. It hurts. It's overwhelming and I'm tired. I want to say that I don't know how many more years I can do this fundraiser because it has become a very emotional thing for me....but I know that wouldn't be true...I know that I will still do it next year...and the year after...and the year after that. I will continue to do it every single year that I have to until a cure is found. It's what we do. It's become a part of our process...a part of our journey with this disease...a tradition so to speak.
So, even though I am struggling right now...and my heart feels like it is breaking as I stare at that sign that says "4th Annual" on it...and I am losing the battle with tears.......I will still do this...because I love her more than anything else on this planet...I would give my life for her...I would crawl to the ends of the Earth carrying her on my back if I had to...I would do anything...I will continue on until a cure is found.