Believe it or not I am a shy person by nature. I do not like to be the center of attention or have all focus on me. I do not like public speaking, I have a tendency to fumble my words, stutter, and forget important things that I had every intention of saying when it comes down to it. I am much better at writing things out. It's easier for me to get the words out on paper (or computer for that matter!) It's comfortable...safe...easy for me to handle things that way. I remember being back in high school and having to stand up in class and give an oral report on something I was assigned. That was pure torture for me. For some reason, whenever I am extremely nervous I have a tendency to yawn....yep....yawn. So I appear totally bored with the situation going on around me...which in turn makes everyone bored as well I think. Ahhh...if only I could go through life without speaking and just write everything down instead.
Since diabetes came into our lives, I have found myself having to overcome that fear time and time again. I've found myself reaching out to others in our diabetic community...talking to them about this life, helping those that are newly diagnosed, and simply trying to raise awareness. I've found myself in front of cameras, on the radio, and even speaking to newspaper reporters. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy and honored to have that opportunity to get the word out there...to try to educate and advocate for our kiddos. I wouldn't have it any other way honestly. No matter how nervous I get, how shaky my hands are, how sweaty my palms become...or how I struggle to get the words out between yawns....I will continue to immerse myself in these situations. I will do it until a cure is found. I will do it simply because I think it's important to get the word out...to perhaps make people understand...instill a little bit of a spark of knowledge in their minds so that they will realize the seriousness of this disease. I will endure the seemingly terrifying shyness of talking to strangers about diabetes until the day comes where I don't have to do it anymore...simply because I want a cure. I want it so bad that I can taste it. Sometimes I feel like we are so close...it is just outside of our reach...just beyond the tips of my fingers. I can feel it there and I want it so bad that it hurts. I sit here typing this with tears in my eyes because of that pain. I want that day to come so I can somehow reverse or make up for that awful gut wrenching pain of diagnosis day. I sometimes feel like I have spent the last 3 1/2 years trying to "make up" for that day to Emma...trying to gloss things over and make her see the positives all the time...trying to brush it off like diabetes will never beat us...we are far too strong to let it win. All of those finger pokes, insulin injections, pump site changes, bloodwork, clinic visits, lows, highs, fears, worries, stresses, close calls.....all of those things will not define us...we are bigger than this life we were given and this hand we were dealt. So, here I sit...waiting for that cure day...so I can rejoice and attempt to erase the horridness of that moment where I had to say, "Emma...I'm sorry baby...but the doctors say that you have diabetes." I know that I will never fully be able to erase that moment in time...that minute of our lives...that single sentence. But I will do my best to try. I will endure the fear, the nervousness, the shyness, the feelings of inadequacy...all for the sake of making it...surviving till that day comes where I can shout those words from the rooftops and scream at the top of my lungs, "EMMA...SWEETIE, THEY FOUND A CURE!!"