Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I pretend like I'm ok

After reading the news on the internet this morning about yet another child lost to this disease, I have started to realize something. I am pretty good at pretending. I pretend that if I just stay up till 2:00 in the morning to keep an eye on Emma's blood sugars, that she will be ok. I pretend that as long as I count every carb that goes into her mouth to the best of my ability, then she will be fine. I pretend that as long as I attend every field trip at school and every birthday party she is invited to, that she will be fine. I pretend that as long as I stand there for two hours straight and watch her like a hawk through the window at gymnastics class..searching her face for any signs of a low blood sugar, that she will be ok. I pretend that my little 10 second speeches to her teeange coaches will be enough to keep her safe. I pretend that my meetings with her teachers and other staff at her school explaining to them the importance of looking for signs of lows and the importance of helping her remember to bolus for snacks will be enough to keep her alive everyday. I pretend that by reminding her to wash her hands, it will keep away all of the germs all winter long and keep her healthy to avoid any illness that will wreak havoc on her blood sugars. I pretend that as long as I teach her and inform her and make her aware of all the things I do on a daily basis with managing her diabetes, she will be fine once she spreads her wings and leaves the nest...going off to live her own adult life. I pretend that all of my mistakes that lead to her having crazy high blood sugars will not cause her little body any damage later on in life.
I pretend like I know what I am doing. I pretend like I am ok with everything. I pretend like this is easy and we are fine. I pretend like I am strong. I pretend like I am brave and that I don't worry about any of these things. I pretend like I'm not exhausted on a daily basis. I pretend like it doesn't take every ounce of my strength not to break down and cry when I see or hear another parent complaining about how they've been up all night dealing with a coughing fevered sick child of their own. I pretend like I'm not jealous. I pretend like I wouldn't trade places with them for all the tea in China. I pretend like I am happy. I pretend like I can do this. I pretend like I can do this. I pretend like I can do this.

I pretend like I KNOW that what happened to this young man over the weekend will never happen to Emma. I pretend like we will be the lucky ones. I pretend like I KNOW God will never take her from me like that. I pretend like we are special and that could never happen to us. I pretend that by simply checking her blood sugar frequently all day and all night long....that this could never happen to her...she will never have a seizure and die...she will never leave me in the middle of the night.

I pretend that I KNOW my worst nightmare will never come true. I pretend to believe that I will never walk into her room in the morning only to find her dead in her bed...gone...because of a low blood sugar occuring during the night...while sleep overtook my mind and I selfishly closed my eyes.

I pretend like we are ok. I pretend like I am confident that she will be fine and grow up and have a family of her own and live to be an old lady with no diabetes complications.

I pretend like I KNOW a cure will come in her lifetime.

I've gotten pretty good at pretending over the past 3 1/2 years.

I pretend.

....and it's slowly driving me crazy...

18 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness, you have crawled into my head. I understand, truly I do. (sigh)

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  2. I hear ya...we fake it til we make it!! That is all we can do. BUT we WILL make it because we have to for our kids. Right there with you!!

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  3. tears roll down my face as i read this so true so true

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  5. I pretend every day that it's ok that I prick my 2 year old finger because I have to. I pretend it's ok... But it's not and I know this disease can kill her. I, never have enjoyed pretending.

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  6. Gosh, reading that long article made my eyes water. I wish you and all parents of type 1 diabetic kids and of course the diabetics the very best in health & happiness.

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  7. Your daughter is so fortunate to have a mother who does everything she can.

    You put this adult with T1 diabetes in tears. As a new mother, I can only imagine the responsibility of caring for a little one with type one. But I hope that you can find hope in hearing another piece of good news: I am living well with type 1 diabetes and have a perfectly healthy six month old son.

    May your daughter fulfill all of her dreams...

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  8. Really great post... sending you huge (and not pretend) hugs from another mom that gets it!

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  9. You have walked right into my head and are reading my mind. Perfect. Thank you.

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  10. exactly. www.type1diabetic3yearold.blogspot.com. our daughter is just four and diagnosed 10 months.

    Jennifer

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  11. You put into words how I have been pretending for almost 14 years...

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  12. I am a father of a T1 9 year old boy. I pretend that my having T1 makes it easier on us because he has someone who can relate to how he is feeling. My poor wife constantly worries about us both.

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  13. great post...I pretend too, and I'm tired!

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  14. This post could have been written by any of us D moms, you captured our thoughts perfectly. (((Hugs))). I'm so tired of pretending.

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  15. This really could be written by any of us D moms. You wrote as if you were reading my thoughts. I've been pretending for almost 17 years...and since the beginning...a cure is just five years out (longest five years of my life)!! And as they get older, you continue pretending...even after they move out. Some days it makes me feel very old....and very very tired.

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