We've been struggling with high blood sugars lately and the only thing I can attribute it to is a growth spurt. I decided to quit beating around the bush and increased all of her basal rates across the board today. Hoping that it does the trick, because I can feel it wearing me down. Every time I look at Emma and see the dark circles under her eyes, I feel the guilt...I feel the anger at diabetes..I feel the frustration full force.
I can only imagine what it feels like to her..what it does to her emotions...how it must be horrible to walk around feeling ill when you really are not ill...and know that it is all because your Mom is having a hard time figuring things out lately. It must be such an odd feeling to be a small child with type 1 diabetes. Your life is literally in the hands of another person every single day. Granted usually it is the person(s) that you trust more than anyone else on the planet...but still it must seem so weird to know that they have complete and total control over your blood sugars. They push the buttons on your pump, they give you injections, they check your blood sugar, and they count carbs. Yes, now that Emma is 7...she does manage a lot of things herself. I am able to count on her to check her own blood sugar at school or at home if I am busy. I have complete confidence in her bolusing herself for snacks at school or once again at home if I am busy putting the food on plates. I can count on her to recognize her lows around 4 out of 5 times now. She is learning how to read nutrition labels. She is asking questions. She is curious. She is smart. I haven't yet figured out how to explain the whole concept of when to adjust basal rates or insulin carb ratios yet..but in time that will happen.
When she was first diagnosed (4 years old)...it was all me. I handled everything. It most definitely got me wondering about how she perceived her diabetes. How was she capable of just handing all of that trust over? The whole burden and worry of this disease falls squarely on another person's shoulders with little ones. I can honestly say that I don't think there is another person on the planet that I would fully and completely trust with my life in that way. How do kids make it seem so easy...so simple..such a basic and normal thing? How do they hand over their life and their well-being just like that? It's something I've thought about for years now and it really does blow me away how deeply...how honestly...how whole-heartedly a child is able to trust. It's incredible really. Imagine what kind of a place the world would be if we could all have that ability and not take advantage of it in others.
Kids begin life innocent and trusting and accepting. I wish we as adults didn't somehow seem to always lose a lot of that along the way of growing up.