I pretend like I'm ok

After reading the news on the internet this morning about yet another child lost to this disease, I have started to realize something. I am pretty good at pretending. I pretend that if I just stay up till 2:00 in the morning to keep an eye on Emma's blood sugars, that she will be ok. I pretend that as long as I count every carb that goes into her mouth to the best of my ability, then she will be fine. I pretend that as long as I attend every field trip at school and every birthday party she is invited to, that she will be fine. I pretend that as long as I stand there for two hours straight and watch her like a hawk through the window at gymnastics class..searching her face for any signs of a low blood sugar, that she will be ok. I pretend that my little 10 second speeches to her teeange coaches will be enough to keep her safe. I pretend that my meetings with her teachers and other staff at her school explaining to them the importance of looking for signs of lows and the importance of helping her remember to bolus for snacks will be enough to keep her alive everyday. I pretend that by reminding her to wash her hands, it will keep away all of the germs all winter long and keep her healthy to avoid any illness that will wreak havoc on her blood sugars. I pretend that as long as I teach her and inform her and make her aware of all the things I do on a daily basis with managing her diabetes, she will be fine once she spreads her wings and leaves the nest...going off to live her own adult life. I pretend that all of my mistakes that lead to her having crazy high blood sugars will not cause her little body any damage later on in life.
I pretend like I know what I am doing. I pretend like I am ok with everything. I pretend like this is easy and we are fine. I pretend like I am strong. I pretend like I am brave and that I don't worry about any of these things. I pretend like I'm not exhausted on a daily basis. I pretend like it doesn't take every ounce of my strength not to break down and cry when I see or hear another parent complaining about how they've been up all night dealing with a coughing fevered sick child of their own. I pretend like I'm not jealous. I pretend like I wouldn't trade places with them for all the tea in China. I pretend like I am happy. I pretend like I can do this. I pretend like I can do this. I pretend like I can do this.

I pretend like I KNOW that what happened to this young man over the weekend will never happen to Emma. I pretend like we will be the lucky ones. I pretend like I KNOW God will never take her from me like that. I pretend like we are special and that could never happen to us. I pretend that by simply checking her blood sugar frequently all day and all night long....that this could never happen to her...she will never have a seizure and die...she will never leave me in the middle of the night.

I pretend that I KNOW my worst nightmare will never come true. I pretend to believe that I will never walk into her room in the morning only to find her dead in her bed...gone...because of a low blood sugar occuring during the night...while sleep overtook my mind and I selfishly closed my eyes.

I pretend like we are ok. I pretend like I am confident that she will be fine and grow up and have a family of her own and live to be an old lady with no diabetes complications.

I pretend like I KNOW a cure will come in her lifetime.

I've gotten pretty good at pretending over the past 3 1/2 years.

I pretend.

....and it's slowly driving me crazy...