Just a warning that this post is not very happy...it's been a crap couple of days to say the least when it comes to diabetes...and I just needed to get this out.
Sometimes I just need a break. I am so overwhelmed with the numbers swirling around my head it feels like a hurricane threatening to take over my entire brain. Highs and lows and carbs and the clock. It's literally driving me insane. I sit here in the hallway of Emma's school waiting for a low blood sugar to come back up so I can feel some shred of confidence that she will be ok for the rest of the afternoon. It's madness. It makes me physically ill. It makes my heart hurt. This diabetic life is so completely insane sometimes that I wish there was some way to make others understand just how close to the brink we as D-parents are. We walk around out in public...grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, taking our kids to different activities...and we are teetering on that tightrope high above the center ring of this whole friggin circus. That's exactly what a diabetic life is like actually....a three ring friggin circus. I sometimes feel like I have that balance bar under control in my hands...I'm confident...strutting across that rope to the other side with style. Other times....like right now...I feel like I am wavering back and forth slipping off...hanging on by my toes for dear life. I feel like there really is no point in me ever feeling like I can do this...I am only fooling myself. Who am I kidding? I am not the one in control of the blood sugars...DIABETES is!! I can fool myself day after day into thinking I am the one making the decisions...I am the one fighting this...I am the one who is going to prevail in the end. But, really....on days like today....I have my doubts. I am utterly exhausted...sick of it all. We've put in our time...we've done this for 3 1/2 YEARS now...that is LONG enough! I just can't do it anymore...I can't get those panicked phone calls on my cell phone in the middle of the school day...I can't try to educate a substitute teacher about type 1 diabetes and the signs of a low in a matter of minutes first thing in the morning. I can't expect her to know what to look for...i can't expect her to know what to do! I just can't do this anymore! How in the world can someone be expected to function like a normal human being on 5 hours of sleep a night? How can I keep doing this day after friggin day...over and over again...until a cure is found? It's a never ending vicious cycle and I am having the hardest time focusing on finding that light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. I see people out in stores Christmas shopping...laughing, talking, holding hands with their kids and I am jealous...I HATE being jealous! I hate knowing that I am standing in a room full of people and I feel like I am all alone...I'm all alone in my torment and my worry and my anger and my frustration and my exhaustion...I'm all alone and I'm screaming on the inside...screaming at the top of my lungs that I need this to be over...screaming that I am DONE...I just can't keep on living this way...I just can't keep on keeping on anymore...I just can't keep this damn smile plastered on my face anymore...i just can't keep pretending like I am OK anymore...I'm screaming...and yet all that is coming out of my mouth is a meak little whisper...a single tear is falling from my eye and leaving a bitter and sad lonely trail down my cheek. I am so tired.