Sometimes I sit here and wonder what our lives would be like if I had made different choices. I'm sure most people go through similar thought processes at one time or another in their lives really. I usually find myself doing this everytime we come back from visiting my family in Wisconsin. I always wonder what it would be like to have my little family living down there with them in the same city...hell, even the same state! I wonder if Emma would be the same kind of kid she is now. I wonder if she would be more outgoing, less outgoing, loved by more people and therefore feel better about herself? Don't get me wrong...she is completely loved by Shawn and I here...but she doesn't really have the grandparent figures in her life at all here...she hasn't since day 1 pretty much. I wonder just how much it affects her and her personality. It's crazy that I worry about things like this I suppose.
I also wonder if my own life would be different. Would I be as strong as I am now if I had been living there when she was diagnosed? I would have had my family...parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and brother around me for emotional support too instead of just Shawn. Once again...don't get me wrong...Shawn is an amazing man who is very supportive...but I just wonder if I would have turned out differently if I had had that extra circle of family around me in that difficult time. On one hand, I am extremely proud of us and what we have accomplished all on our own. I am amazed that I haven't actually lost my mind after having gone through all that we have. Emma was diagnosed just 2 months before she started junior kindergarten...I was terrified, but I sent her off to school anyway...because I knew that if I didn't do it then, I never would. We've dealt with countless illnesses both on her part and my own. We've handled transitioning to the pump. We've traveled, gone on field trips, lost family members, holidays, and everything that comes across our path. We've done it on our own...and I am truly proud of us and I know in my heart that we are stronger people for having done it on our own. However, I can't help but wonder...would we be different people or less strong in some way if we had in fact had that help instead?
I've said it a billion times now I'm sure...but I will say it again...diabetes is hard. It is grueling. It takes and takes and takes without a care or concern for your situation. It can hang out there in the background waiting with bated breath to leap out and throw your child's life into upheaval. Other times it can make you feel like you are walking around with the weight of the world on your shoulders...dragging you down...forcing you to your knees and making you feel like you just can...not...do...it...anymore. Wouldn't it be nicer and a bit more sweet to have that extra family members shoulder to lean on or cry on during those times? Wouldn't it be nicer and a bit more sweet to have the option of having them around to help shoulder that burden? I think it would be incredible.
I guess in a nutshell I am jealous of those out there who have family close by who are willing to help. I don't like being jealous. I know that my family supports me over the phone and when we do get to visit them. I am truly greatful for that. I guess I am just missing them and as usual getting lost in my own head thinking about how different our life with diabetes could have been.