Sometimes I feel like I am a mouse running on one of those little wheels in a cage. Have you ever gone to a pet store and actually stood there and watched the mice in action? I did the other day with Emma...I just stood there and watched this one mouse hop on up and start her mad dash running and running on the wheel. I suppose they do it for exercise...but it really got me thinking about how I could completely relate to this little mouse. My thoughts of course turned to diabetes. For some reason...who really knows...activity, food, the direction of the wind, the colour of her underwear???....every so often her blood sugar numbers decide to jump. I feel like I am constantly increasing basal rates and insulin to carb ratios. I feel like that mouse on the wheel....running and chasing after that perfect balance to get the numbers back down to normal again. I just keep moving forward, even though in reality I'm not really going anywhere. It's so frustrating!
Then I witnessed a couple more mice hop on to the wheel at the same time and squeeze themselves in there along with the "amy" mouse...smooshing her to the side...running faster and faster until she loses her footing and she basically gets spun around willy nilly, all the while barely hanging on by her little mouse toes. I felt bad for her. I wanted to help her get back on the wheel and push those other bully type mice off there for her.
Diabetes makes me feel that way sometimes too. Like it has decided to hop on the wheel with me and sprint along side me...moving it around faster and faster spinning me out of control...taunting me...trying to get me to lose my footing and cause me to fall...to fail...to lose the battle with blood sugar numbers and make me feel defeated. Sometimes I feel like I am barely hanging on by my fingertips in this ride around the wheel. I can feel the D-beast breathing down my neck and mocking me. I can feel it laughing insanely right beside me. I know it's there. I have no choice but to keep moving and keep running...keep holding on no matter what. It's hard. Unbelievably hard.
I walked away from the mouse cages holding Emma's hand...feeling the warmth in my own hand...knowing I will run on that wheel until the end of my days...until my last breath. I walked away silently cheering on that little mouse...