I'm scared to go to sleep at night. Not because I am afraid of the nightmares that may come. Not because I am afraid that I will be missing out on something going on amongst the land of the conscious. Not because I have a scary movie addiction and watch one every night before bed.
I'm scared to go to sleep at night. My whole entire body is gripped with a terrifying fear that if I do just lie there and shut my eyes and allow myself to fully and completely sleep....that I will lose her. No matter how exhausted I am, no matter how busy the day was, no matter if I am unwell or healthy, no matter if I am supposed to be getting up bright and early in the morning for something of importance and I should be getting some sleep, no matter if every single part of my body aches and longs for the comfort of my soft heavenly pillow and warm cozy bed.
That overwhelming fear is always there. It never leaves me. It hangs out on my shoulder all day long mocking me "Did you give her the right amount of insulin for that? Did you figure out the correct number of carbs in that meal? Did you notice if she has the sniffles? Did you factor in the activity at the park today? Did you do it? Did you do it? Did you???" For the most part I have learned to muffle the sound of that horrible taunting during the day. I choose to focus on the laughter, the giggles, the sound of my daughter's voice instead.
However, day eventually turns to night....and there I sit...afraid once again. Afraid that I will wake up to the sound of her having a seizure from a severe low blood sugar. Afraid that I will simply wake up in the morning and walk into her room only to find she quietly slipped away from me in the night. Basically I am afraid that she will leave me. Afraid that I will no longer get to see her beautiful smiling face. Afraid that diabetes will ultimately win the fight while I am sleeping my restless version of sleep in the next room. I wonder if that fear will ever go away. Will it leave me when my daughter is finally grown and off living her own life...no longer in the room right next to ours? Will I still lie awake at night afraid to sleep? I wonder if once she is grown and on her own....will she be afraid to go to sleep because of the same reasons I am now?
I took sleep for granted for 31 years of my life. It's funny how much something so "simple" and natural and easy to most people is something that I think about and long for so often.
It's interesting to me that I'm sitting here commenting at the same time (in my time zone) that you posted. That same is not lost on me, it comforts me because I know that there is always someone up doing what I'm doing all through the night.
ReplyDeleteIt's that comfort that helps keep my fears at bay. I am sorry that your fears can't keep their mouth shut at night, when you need the quiet the most! Those wee small hours that allow those thoughts to come to the forefront and drown out all others can be way more than overwhelming.
There's honestly nothing I can say to make those fears go away, because that's our reality. Those things are possible. However, I do know that living in that fear, allowing the fear to overtake us is so very destructive...for us and for our kids.
There is not one minute that can be added or taken away from her days by your worry and fear. Enjoy (like I know you do!) every giggle, every sassy, girly moment that is Emma. Treasure her, carry her burden for as long as you can (and even after they take it on,we will still be carrying a part of it because that's just what moms do), and know that you are giving her your best and loving her from a place that is deeper than the depths of the sea.
Off to check my Bean before I drift off to what little sleep I'll be blessed with tonight...or should I say this morning!
HUGS to you, my friend!
Ah...wow...I think we are on the same page today. My post is dark. The nights scare me the most. I have been having a lot of death nightmares lately. Death of Joe...not always due to "D"...they are unsettling and they are keeping me awake. I am struggling.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Your book arrived late yesterday. I cannot wait to start reading it. xo