I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of being tired.
Here I sit at 2:00 in the friggin morning...waiting to see if Emma's blood sugar will go up from her current 4.6 (82 for those in the US). She already had one low today (yesterday I guess at this point) at lunch time...and now we are apparantly having our second one. I guess that's my big red flag to lower her lantus tomorrow morning. I hate this disease. I was ok today with the low...but for some reason tonight it is getting to me. I'm feeling beat down...exhausted...conquered by the monster. I don't do well with losing the fight. It makes me sad. Sad for Emma. Sad that this is her life. Sad that I see tons of other kids out at school or the store or park or wherever...and they are all just living so carefree...and here is my little girl. Yes, she is asleep at the moment...all tucked in bed nice and warm with her mountain of stuffed animals around her...oblivious to what is going on inside her body. I would give anything to take this away from her.
I think back to the first 4 years of her life before she was diagnosed...I was so naive. I would like to kick that version of me in the ass and say things like "What the hell are you stressing out about her having diaper rash for? Why are you so worried that she fell on the sidewalk and skinned her knee? Why are you letting a minor inconvenience during the day bother you so much? You have NO idea how bad it could be! You have NO idea how stressful your life will soon become! You have NO idea how easy you have it right now!" I know that I can't go back in time and shout at my former self...unless I happen to find Michael J Fox and borrow his time traveling Dalorean. Shouting at my former self would do no good anyway...I know me and I wouldn't truly understand it until I lived through it anyway.
So, here I am once again...tears falling in the wee hours of the morning...stomach in knots with worry...afraid to go to sleep. I wish I could make people understand. I wish I could share this brand of worry and stress and sadness for the loss of my daughters functioning pancreas. I wish I could share it with powerful people who have a lot of money to spare and make them understand how important it is to find a cure and educate the world. I wish I could bottle this feeling in my heart...the heaviness and despair...the sheer panic and worry for my daughter's life now and in the future. I would give it all to these people just to make them see...to make them understand how important it is...how much we need this.
I try not to give away too many of my tears to diabetes. It doesn't deserve my tears. Sometimes my traitor eyes give them up anyway though. I just want our old life back so badly that it hurts me to my core! I'm tired of doing this. I'm over it already. I just want it to go away and stop picking on us. Stop picking on my kid. I just want to sleep...and not be afraid to actually go to sleep. Sleep is such a simple thing...and yet diabetes takes it away from me yet again. I'm so tired of being afraid.