I'm doubting myself and my abilities.
A few months ago, my daughter finally decided that she wants a pump. She is ready. She wants the freedom. She wants to eat when she wants to eat. She wants to live a more normal life. I don't blame her one bit. This life with diabetes is hard to say the least. She just wants things to be a little easier and less regimented. I want the same thing. That doesn't take away my fear though. I know in my heart that the pump is the best thing for her. I know that it will happen. The day will come that I will be putting my faith in a little machine to keep her alive. I know that I will be the one telling the machine what to do to keep her alive, but still. We are almost 3 years into this and even though we do still have the ups and downs and struggles...I feel like I do have some sort of comfort and confidence in my abilities. I am scared to start all over. I'm worried that I will make mistakes and hurt her. I'm worried that we will go through the whole process and get the pump and it will be too hard to handle and I will want to give up and go back to needles. I'm scared that I will disappoint her. I'm scared that she will actually see me fail and she will hate me for it. I'm scared that I won't be able to do it.
Of course I am going to do it though. I'm her Mom and I want her life to be easier and I want her to be healthy and reduce the risk of complications. I want her to have more freedom. I want her to feel more like a normal kid. I want her to be able to stay outside playing as long as the rest of the kids in the neighbourhood and not have to chase her down and force her to eat a snack or a meal because "it's that time!" I can handle the constant checking in the beginning. I can handle the lack of sleep. I can handle the stress and the worry and the panic. I won't like it....but I will do it. I will do it for her. Because she is my little girl and I love her more than any words could ever express.
We had an Animas pump Rep come out to our house this past Wednesday to show us some more about the Ping. She was really very nice and patient and helpful. She asked me when i was hoping to start Emma on the pump. I had it decided in my head that I would rather start the whole pump thing in the summer because then she would be with me and i could keep a better eye on her while learning how to live life with a pump. I was worried about starting it and sending her off to school. The Rep told me that in her opinion she would probably start it sooner rather than later. She explained that it would be easier to start it during the school year because there is more of a routine to Emma's day then...wake up, breakfast, school, recess, etc. Summer is more of a random daily routine thing. I get that. I completely understand her point. So, here I sit...trying to convince myself to just jump in with both feet, which is totally not my personality...i've posted before about how I am the kind of kid who tip toes and inches her way into the water at the beach or pool to "get used to the water". I want to follow Nike's advice and Just do it...start right away. Trying to make myself believe that I am strong enough to handle all of that stress during school. I'm not sure if I'm winning or losing the argument in my head.
Emma wants to start it right away. She doesn't want to wait. She's ready now. How do I win my inner battle and convince myself that I can do this? I think it all boils down to one thing for me. Emma was diagnosed at the end of June '08....she started junior kindergarten in the beginning of Sept. '08. I was petrified to send her off to school. She is my only child...she was never in daycare or at a babysitter...she was with me from day one. School was the first place she was ever without me all day long. So, adding that new diagnoses on top of it all....well, honestly...it nearly broke me. I spent those first few weeks in a total state of constant panic and stress. I would carry the cordless phone and my cell phone around with me everywhere I went in the house...just waiting for it to ring and be her school calling to tell me they had to call an ambulance for her. The whole experience changed me. It changed my whole system. It scarred me for life. Even sitting here typing about it is making me get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach...just remembering that time and that panic. How am I going to be able to go back to that deep dark place of worry and despair again? How am I going to willingly sign up for that sort of self-torture? How am I going to do it? How am I going to survive that feeling again? I have pushed it down so far and rarely ever think about that particular moment in time anymore. Now I feel like I should be grabbing a shovel so i can start digging it all up again to prepare myself for the road we are about to embark on. I've never been a fan of purposely signing up for that type of guaranteed stress. I'm scared. I will do it...but I'm scared. Thanks for listening to me rant.