Wanna know a little secret?
Sometimes I feel like I am the worlds biggest failure at being my kids pancreas. Sometimes I feel like anyone else...hell, EVERYONE else...could do a better job than me. Sometimes I feel like I am totally and completely screwing up her life and it will be all my fault if she winds up having complications when she's older. Sometimes I feel like I have absolutely no idea what the hell I am doing.
Sometimes I guess at the carbs in her food instead of looking them up because I'm too tired to find the iPad and search for it. Sometimes I have a little argument with myself at night while I am lying on the couch....I should go check her blood sugar. I should go check it because she has been running high for the last couple of days at this time and I should go check it...but I don't want to...I don't want to get up from my comfortable spot...I don't want to get up and grab the meter and put my stupid headlamp on and walk all the way upstairs to her room and check. Usually the argument lasts for a good few minutes until I finally give in and get up and go check her...because I have to...I know I have to...even when I don't want to.
Sometimes I leave her at a slightly higher number than I normally would at night before I go to bed...because I just...want...to...get...some...sleep. I just want to have that cushion...that slightly higher number that gives me piece of mind that she won't plummet in the night and she will wake up in the morning. Sometimes I just want to sleep.
Sometimes I swear at the number on the meter....in front of her...because the frustration is just too much to control and it slips out...and I don't care that she hears it...I don't care that she sees me get pissed off at the number...because ya know what? Diabetes is going to piss her off in her life many times too, I am sure.
Sometimes I read posts on the internet from other D-parents about this perfect a1c they just got or this perfect blood sugar they got after feasting on pizza...and I want to slap them. I read about how they have perfect numbers and their child never cries over site changes and their child skips joyously into the room on bloodwork day and willingly hands over their arm for the technician to jab the needle in to draw the blood from. They smile and giggle and chat about school with this tech...and when it's all done they hug and everyone gets a gold fucking star. Sometimes I read these things from other D-parents and it makes me want to smack them in the head....just a little bit.
Sometimes I feel like a big fat failure. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. Sometimes I feel like my kid is going to hate me when she's grown.
So, that's my secret....and it's ok...I know it's ok to feel this way sometimes...I don't feel this way ALL of the time...and that's ok too.