I'm writing you this letter because I want you to know how proud I am of you. We have been through a lot so far in your 9 years of life. We've had diabetes along for the ride for nearly 5 years now and it has been far from easy. I want you to know that I am proud of you. I'm proud of how you are choosing to live your life. I look at you sometimes and I can't even believe that I get to be your Mom. You were only four years old when you were diagnosed and I honestly have no idea how your little four year old mind was able to process it all. I am in awe of you on a daily basis....but I still haven't been able to wrap my head around your ability to accept your diabetes at such a young age. You accepted it and you took it at face value. You chose to make a difference. You chose to stand up and do your part to help find a cure. You chose to stand instead of sit idly by and feel sorry for yourself. I can't say that I would have been able to do the same at that young of an age.
As the years go by, you are becoming more and more independent and taking on more responsibility with your diabetes. We are a team now. I am trying to be ok with loosening my grip on diabetes and letting you hold the reigns more often. It's hard for me because I know that unless a cure is found, you will have to hold those reigns for the rest of your life. For me to have to hand that over to you, ahhh it's indescribably difficult. I struggle with wanting to help you forever...wanting to do it for you..wanting to carry the weight of it all forever...so you don't have to. I struggle with wanting to make your life easier...with taking it all on for you. I struggle with it...because I am your Mom...and I love you more than anyone or anything else in this world. I am supposed to help you and make it easy on you and make it all better.
I know in my heart though that I can't. I can't do it for you forever. I can't because I would be doing you more harm than good if I did. I would be holding you back. I would be stopping you from reaching your full potential and that is something that I refuse to do. I would be leaving you out there in the world without all of the tools you need to manage your disease. Diabetes was thrust upon us with no warning and i had to learn how to be your pancreas in a matter of days. I had to learn how to do it as we went along. I want to give you all of the knowledge you need to manage it and i want to give you all the time you need to learn. You have a greatness inside you...a greatness that shines so bright and I know if I were to keep my grip on diabetes forever...your greatness would be lost. You have a fierce independence that makes me proud. You are strong willed and you have strong opinions and you speak your mind. You stand up for those that need help. You stand up for yourself. You are going to make a difference in this world and I know that you will succeed in whatever it is you may choose to do.
Please know that even as I loosen my grip on those reigns, I will still always be there for you. I will walk beside you to the ends of the Earth. I will support you. I will be that shoulder to lean on whenever you need me. I will teach you all that I can. I will be your partner in pancreating if you need me. I will be your friend. I will dry your tears and cheer you on. I will be whatever you need me to be. Please have patience with me as I let you soar. Have patience and know that I love you.
I'm proud of you. Not just because of what you have done in your life with diabetes.....but rather because of who you are as a person. I believe in you. I trust you. I love you more than hearts and stars, my extra sweet girl.