Do you want to know what I think about sometimes? Do you want to hear about the true depths of despair that diabetes sends me to sometimes...usually late at night...when I can't sleep...or when I'm waiting to check her blood sugar before I lay my own head down to sleep? It's not pretty. It's not happy. It's not good. It's a dark and scary place that my thoughts go to sometimes...not all the time...just sometimes. So, don't worry...I'm fine...I just wanted to share the things that diabetes can do sometimes.
Sometimes I think about what would happen if diabetes won and I lost Emma. I think about how that would be. I don't have any other children. I'm not saying that it would make it easier by any means if I had other children...or maybe I am...I don't know...no...I'm not saying that. Either way, I would be devastated if that happened. I just sometimes think about how if diabetes wins, I would no longer have my child...my heart...my only baby. I would no longer have the chance of grandbabies. Do you know the tremendous amount of pressure that puts on me? I feel the weight of that possibility every day. The fact that at any moment of any day...I could make a mistake...or she could make a mistake...or her pump could malfunction...or some odd chance occurrence could happen....some random event....diabetes could take her...and I would be left with nothing...without a reason to be.
Sometimes I feel like people don't understand because they don't care because it doesn't effect them personally. Sometimes I feel like I wish I could be one of those people. I wish I could be ignorant. But then I realize that while ignorance may be bliss.....it's certainly no way to exist.
Sometimes when I'm tired and the noise of the day is gone and I'm left with these thoughts...these dark and sad thoughts, I feel like if I share them with others that they will think I'm crazy...that they will think I need help...that they will think I am unstable. But I don't think that's the case. I think that it's perfectly normal to feel these things and to think these thoughts. I think that a lot of us probably have dark and scary thoughts...but we don't talk about them...because we are worried what others will think. We shouldn't care...we shouldn't worry...we should just talk about them because it makes you feel better. It eases some of the heaviness from your mind and your heart. It feels good to talk about these thoughts and realize that other people have similar thoughts...and it's ok...it's another kind of proof that we are in this together...we aren't alone.
So, that's my dark and scary thought....that's my fear...that's the added stress that I put on myself. It sucks. It makes me cry sometimes...but I'm ok in spite of it all...I'm fine...and it's ok.