Monday, June 24, 2013

Dark thoughts

Do you want to know what I think about sometimes? Do you want to hear about the true depths of despair that diabetes sends me to sometimes...usually late at night...when I can't sleep...or when I'm waiting to check her blood sugar before I lay my own head down to sleep? It's not pretty. It's not happy. It's not good. It's a dark and scary place that my thoughts go to sometimes...not all the time...just sometimes. So, don't worry...I'm fine...I just wanted to share the things that diabetes can do sometimes.

Sometimes I think about what would happen if diabetes won and I lost Emma. I think about how that would be. I don't have any other children. I'm not saying that it would make it easier by any means if I had other children...or maybe I am...I don't'm not saying that. Either way, I would be devastated if that happened. I just sometimes think about how if diabetes wins, I would no longer have my only baby. I would no longer have the chance of grandbabies. Do you know the tremendous amount of pressure that puts on me? I feel the weight of that possibility every day. The fact that at any moment of any day...I could make a mistake...or she could make a mistake...or her pump could malfunction...or some odd chance occurrence could happen....some random event....diabetes could take her...and I would be left with nothing...without a reason to be.

Sometimes I feel like people don't understand because they don't care because it doesn't effect them personally. Sometimes I feel like I wish I could be one of those people. I wish I could be ignorant. But then I realize that while ignorance may be's certainly no way to exist.

Sometimes when I'm tired and the noise of the day is gone and I'm left with these thoughts...these dark and sad thoughts, I feel like if I share them with others that they will think I'm crazy...that they will think I need help...that they will think I am unstable. But I don't think that's the case. I think that it's perfectly normal to feel these things and to think these thoughts. I think that a lot of us probably have dark and scary thoughts...but we don't talk about them...because we are worried what others will think. We shouldn't care...we shouldn't worry...we should just talk about them because it makes you feel better. It eases some of the heaviness from your mind and your heart. It feels good to talk about these thoughts and realize that other people have similar thoughts...and it's's another kind of proof that we are in this together...we aren't alone.

So, that's my dark and scary thought....that's my fear...that's the added stress that I put on myself. It sucks. It makes me cry sometimes...but I'm ok in spite of it all...I'm fine...and it's ok.


  1. I hear ya! I think the thing with only having one is this: If I had more children and the unthinkable happened I would have to go on for the other children, but if you lose your one and only child, what would there be to go on for after that. We had a super scary incident this past weekend, and it sure made me realize how unsafe we really are :(

  2. Keep writing about your thoughts. It's probably good therapy for you, we don't think you're crazy and your writing is brilliant.

  3. Totally get this. It sucks that diabetes makes us have these thoughts sometimes.

    I agree with Phil. Keep writing whatever feels best to you. I know that it's good therapy for me when I'm struggling.