Monday, June 17, 2013

In a Perfect World

In a perfect world, I wouldn't be a D-Mom. In a perfect world my daughter would not have type 1 diabetes. In a perfect world there would be no such thing as type 1 diabetes.

I would be married and have lots of little children running around...laughing, playing, driving me crazy with their constant chatter. I would live in the same city as my parents and my children would grow up with them in their lives every day. I would have a job as a teacher...because I love children. Or maybe an artist, because I love to draw and paint and create. Or maybe a writer, because I love the feeling that I get inside when the words I choose...and the order I choose to put them in....makes sense to others...and makes them feel understood...and not alone.

I would have a dog and a cat. I would take my children to the park or the forest or the beach every weekend. I would take them on play dates and to birthday parties and to gymnastics and soccer lessons. I would kiss them and ruffle the hair on their heads as I turn and walk back to the car without a second thought or worry as to whether or not they would still be alive when I returned to pick them up.

I would serve them hot dogs at the picnic table during the summer with Hawaiian punch to drink. I wouldn't count carbs or measure anything out. I would slice up watermelon and laugh as they held the rinds up to their faces like they had giant green smiles. I wouldn't wonder what was happening inside their little bodies at every meal time. I wouldn't know what it's like to stab them with needles every single day. I wouldn't squeeze blood out of their fingertips multiple times a day. I wouldn't know what insulin smells like or how annoyingly and yet effectively sticky skin-tac actually is. I wouldn't hate fact, I would love them...I would love blowing them in the backyard and watch my children chase after them in the summer sun. I wouldn't know what it's like to truly be sleep deprived. I would get a solid 8 hours sleep every single night. A peaceful and restful sleep. A rejuvenating sleep. I wouldn't need two cups of coffee and 30 minutes of being awake in the actually feel more like a human and less like a zombie. I wouldn't know what it's like to feel helpless. I wouldn't know what ketones are and how insanely difficult it is to manage the balance of low blood sugars and ketones and illness.

In a perfect world, I would love and be loved and there would be no one saying no and nothing standing in our way.

Alas, it's not a perfect world. There is no such thing as perfect. It's simply an empty word full of unreachable expectations and heartache. Perfection in the ideal realistic sense of the word is honestly whatever you choose to make it.

My life may not be this fairy tale I described...but my life is perfect in it's own way. I have a husband that loves me and a daughter that loves me. We laugh...we work hard...we live as perfectly as we can.

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