I'm down and out....friggin diabetes is kickin my ass today and I am just about on the verge of tears. I'm stuck in that rut between tears and anger though. I'm so exasperated and upset that Emma's blood sugars have basically been high all day today due to our own error. I'm so ANGRY though because I feel like I am correcting and correcting and banging my head against the wall trying to get them back down without causing a crash into the land of LOW-ville. I guess the one bonus in all of this mess is that she has not developed ketones at all. That's just one teeny tiny little spark of light and good in the day. UGH though!
It all started this morning at breakfast. My husband didn't have to work today, so he decided to make it a special morning and have a "daddy daughter breakfast" at McDonald's and let me sleep in. Her blood sugar was a perfect 5.0 before she ate, he bolused her, they ate, and came home. I haven't been able to show Shawn (my husband) how to do a combo bolus yet, simply because he has been super busy at work...and I myself actually didn't get up enough nerve to attempt a combo bolus until last Friday when she ate pizza. So, needless to say...because of all the fat in McDonald's food...she skyrocketed to a lovely 18.2 later on...awesomesauce. I corrected her in the book store parking lot because we were actually out buying Shawn some Father's Day presents at the time. About an hour later at our next stop, I checked her again and she was 21.9...FAN-FREAKIN-TABULOUS!...I corrected again and we went home. To make a long story short, she was fine come supper time....until I completely under-estimated the carb count on her baked potato....I guessed 25...I couldn't have been more wrong. This caused a 15.2 at bedtime which was once again corrected....and then a 21.1 just about 20 minutes ago which was also corrected. Good gravy. I feel like I have been going rounds with Mike Tyson in the boxing ring or something. Diabetes has really taken it all out of me today.
The icing on the cake was when Emma asked me if I was mad when I saw the 21.1 reading. There's a knife through the heart right there! I took a deep breath, turned to her and smiled, and explained to her that no...I wasn't mad....I wasn't mad at her at all or at her BG...I was mad at myself. I told her that I was mad that I miscalculated the baked potato...and that I never showed Daddy how to combo bolus. I very calmly and gently told her that none of this was her fault...I would never be mad at her for a bad BG number or for anything involving her diabetes. I was simply mad at myself.
So...this day diabetes has tried it's best to break me. It's knocked me down over and over and over again...trying to keep me down for good....but I won't let it...I will never let it as long as I still have air in my lungs and my heart continues to beat. I will win. I will get back up today. I will jump up...start shouting/singing "Eye of the Tiger" at the top of my lungs and channel my inner Rocky. I will knock you the eff out diabetes...and I WILL BEAT YOU...I WILL WIN!!!