A Beautiful Day for a Walk

Today was our Diabetes Walk for a Cure....it was our 3rd time walking, and it was a beautiful day to say the least. Seeing as how Emma is this years JDRF Youth Ambassador, she got to be a little more involved in things than in previous years. After registering and handing in all of the money we raised (a grand total of $1960 this year! Woohoo!), we made our way out into the crowd to check out all of the booths and say hi to everyone that we know. I looked out across the open field and saw a sea of colorful t-shirts. There were groups of orange, blue, black, green. Friends and family...neighbours or strangers...we were all there together. It was like a little community of people all striving for that one common goal...a cure. For some reason whenever I am at events like this, I always find myself seeking out other Mom's in the crowd. I always seem to search for them and try to catch a glimpse in their eyes...maybe I am looking for that same-same feeling...maybe I am searching for that spark...that same spark I feel in myself. I find it fascinating really to know that I am standing in the middle of a crowded field and there is not one single solitary person there who does not know what we go through on a daily basis. The majority of the time when I am out there in the great big world, I tend to feel alone...I feel different...I feel like there is really  no possible way at all that I would be able to connect on such a deep level with another person as I do when I am around people in my D-family. It makes my heart feel full. It makes me feel like I belong. It makes me feel hopeful. It makes me feel strong. I caught a few moments here and there with other Mom's that I am most close to..Janet, Michelle M, Michelle B, and Nicola...I actually got to walk the entire route with one of the most wonderful, caring, and hilarious women I have ever met..Nadine. There were a few in our close group that I missed and dian't wind up running in to which was a little disappointing to me. Those moments that I spent with those women though, it was great...it felt like "coming home"...it felt safe and comforting and familiar. I hope all of those women know how much they mean to me...I hope they know that they help me get through some of the most difficult times in my life. I hope they know that I would do anything for them. I hope they understand how important they all are to me. They are my family and I really do love them all.
At the beginning of the route, Emma actually got to cut the ribbon at the starting line. I stood there behind her watching her surrounded by all of the JDRF event people. I instantly got tears in my eyes and my heart felt like it was in my throat. I saw her standing there with the scissors in her hands waiting for the cue to cut...the sun shining down on her sparkling off her hair...she looked like an angel to me...a beautiful, strong, innocent angel. She cut the ribbon signaling the start of the walk and came running back to me with a huge smile on her face. As we walked, I talked with Nadine and looked at all of the people around us. I felt proud...proud to be a part of such an amazing group of people, proud to be walking...step by step symbolically bringing us that much closer to a cure for this horrible disease. I felt happiness and strength. I felt greatful to be walking side by side with all of these individuals who have all done their part to help raise money for a cure for not only their loved ones...but for my Emma as well. I also felt a huge heaviness in my heart...an indescribable sadness. This was our 3rd time walking...our 3rd time doing our part to help...our 3rd time being involved and teaching Emma that it's better to stand up and shout at the top of your lungs what you believe and what you want to happen...instead of sitting idly by and hoping someone else will take care of it for you. I was sad...sad that another year has passed...sad that there is still no cure...sad that all of these people walking beside me still have to fight every day against the beast that is diabetes...sad at the looming darkness hanging over our heads trying to block out the beautiful sun and extinguish our hope for a cure...sad that it sometimes feels like no matter how many steps we take...that cure might never be within arms reach...it might always be just around the corner..taunting us...driving the heart of this Mommy to the brink of insanity on what sometimes feels like a daily basis.

So, instead of letting the darkness take me over...instead of allowing the beast to win this round...instead of letting my spark and hope be extinguished, I made a conscious decision once again to just enjoy the day...enjoy the friends, the family, the hope, the sun, and the strength EMMAnating (lolol..ya like that one?) from all of us.
Here's to hoping that this will be our final Walk...our final journey...our final gathering...because that cure really is just around the next corner waiting for me to round the bend and take a flying leap at it and grab hold with everything I've got.