How is it that you can want something so badly and try your hardest at being the absolute best person you can be and hope and pray and wish and dream and keep your nose to the grindstone and just keep swimming and just keep on truckin and keep your head up always........and it still doesnt happen? How can that be? How can it be that you can want something so bad that you can taste it....you can feel it just out of reach...just...a....bit...too...far...away..............and it never comes to be. When you feel like you have absolutely no strength left...no fight left...no hope left....what exactly IS left then?
Love.....yes, love is left....but love doesnt bring it any closer....love doesnt make it happen...love doesnt place it into your frantically shaking hands. Faith? I suppose so.
So what do you do?
Do you just keep going anyway....even though you have nothing left? At what point does it become a journey of idle acceptance? How many times must you travel the same beaten down broken rutted glass strewn dirty path....before you realize that there is in fact....nothing there...nothing at the end...
How much can you take? How many times must you tell yourself the same old lines...its just a little while...its just a number...its just a needle...its just a momentary setback...a single fleeting moment in time that was over before you knew it even began. How many times and how many moments will have to occur before there is nothing left...no voice inside your head telling you that you can keep doing this...you can keep going..pick your feet up...put them down...hell, crawl if you have to...but just keep moving!
I don't know. I dont have an answer. I don't think I ever will. I don't know that I will ever reach that point where i could accept the fact that it is what it is and there is never going to be anything different. Honestly I think I would probably fall off that cliff on the edge of sanity if I allowed myself to accept that as reality.
Sometimes I feel like the only thing keeping me going is my stubbornness. I've never been one that enjoyed being told what to do. Just ask my parents. I've never been ok with not having a choice in the matter. I think that is where my stubbornness comes in. I didn't have a choice to have diabetes come into our lives...invade my daughter's body. I didn't have a choice. When people tell me that they don't know how I do it..how I stick needles in her...how I squeeze blood from her fingertips multiple times a day, I can only respond with....I didn't have a choice. Inwardly, those words burn me from the inside out...they taste like acid as they fall from my lips. I didn't have a choice.
So, I think when all else is stripped away...the faith, the hope, the strength, the fight.......when it's gotten to the point where that is all gone......the only thing that is left for me is stubbornness. The fact that I don't like to lose. The competitive stubborn gene that makes up a huge part of my spirit...it's all that's left.
I wonder if I will ever get to a point where diabetes strips away that part of me too.