Thursday, January 24, 2013

It's a Journey not a Jaunt

You know that moment when everyone else is finally in bed asleep...and you can let out that sigh of tense air that you have been holding in all day? Yea, me too. That feeling when you collapse into the safety of your living room sofa and before your butt even hits the cushions, you can feel the hot tears on your cheeks. All of the days worries and stresses melting away around you. Yep, I've totally been there too. It's hard to keep it in some days...until that moment of the day arrives. Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right. Sometimes I just want to give up. I just want to sit down on that couch and not get up....not talk to anyone...not think of anything...not move. Somehow I always get back up's never's a journey not a jaunt.

I know for myself, that I sometimes feel guilty for having a pity party....I mean it's not ME who has type 1 diabetes...I'm not the one getting jabbed with needles everyday...I'm not the one feeling the highs and lows...I'm not the one growing up having to count every carb for every last morsel I put in my mouth. So, when I have those days of sadness and pity and despair, I feel guilty...I feel like I'm being a big baby and a whiner and I should just suck it up and realize that I have it easy by comparison. I feel like I don't deserve those moments. I don't know, maybe it's a Mom thing...the burden of guilt....maybe it's just compounded because im a  D-Mom...I have no idea. I just know that more often than not, whenever I allow myself to have those moments of is usually immediately followed by guilt.

I am starting to realize that this D-Mom gig is a journey. It's not just a job that was thrust upon my shoulders without my consent. It's not as simple as that. While, yes, I am not the one with type 1 diabetes.....I still live it....I still feel it...I feel her frustration when I see those ugly numbers and I feel her pain when an infusion site I insert into her body causes her to wince in pain. I feel it BECAUSE I am her mom. She is a part of me and while these things are happening to her body....I still feel them.

You know that old saying of how raising a child is like watching your heart walk around outside of your body? I think it's true...I think that's why I feel it like I do. That connection between a mother and her child is's times it's heart wrenching....but it's unbreakable.
So, yes.....I am learning that its ok to have my moments on the pity party couch. They are a good thing actually...they help me to appreciate things more. I appreciate my own strength more. I appreciate my daughters strength more. I appreciate our life more.


  1. I had a pity party last week. For me, it's after the kids have gone to school, and my husband is at work.

  2. I think it's so much harder for you parents. There is so much worry, and the burden you bear is so heavy. Kids are so resilient. I don't remember much about my young days (dx at 5), but I remember just wanting to do what I had to do in order to get back to playing.

    Don't feel bad about the pity party every now and again. After all, you parents never get the "thank you for being so incredible" parties, do you?

    1. Thank you Scott, I really appreciate hearing your perspective on things and how you remember things being when you were a kid. :)