You know that moment when everyone else is finally in bed asleep...and you can let out that sigh of tense air that you have been holding in all day? Yea, me too. That feeling when you collapse into the safety of your living room sofa and before your butt even hits the cushions, you can feel the hot tears on your cheeks. All of the days worries and stresses melting away around you. Yep, I've totally been there too. It's hard to keep it in some days...until that moment of the day arrives. Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right. Sometimes I just want to give up. I just want to sit down on that couch and not get up....not talk to anyone...not think of anything...not move. Somehow I always get back up though...it's never ending...it's a journey not a jaunt.
I know for myself, that I sometimes feel guilty for having a pity party....I mean it's not ME who has type 1 diabetes...I'm not the one getting jabbed with needles everyday...I'm not the one feeling the highs and lows...I'm not the one growing up having to count every carb for every last morsel I put in my mouth. So, when I have those days of sadness and pity and despair, I feel guilty...I feel like I'm being a big baby and a whiner and I should just suck it up and realize that I have it easy by comparison. I feel like I don't deserve those moments. I don't know, maybe it's a Mom thing...the burden of guilt....maybe it's just compounded because im a D-Mom...I have no idea. I just know that more often than not, whenever I allow myself to have those moments of pity....it is usually immediately followed by guilt.
I am starting to realize that this D-Mom gig is a journey. It's not just a job that was thrust upon my shoulders without my consent. It's not as simple as that. While, yes, I am not the one with type 1 diabetes.....I still live it....I still feel it...I feel her frustration when I see those ugly numbers and I feel her pain when an infusion site I insert into her body causes her to wince in pain. I feel it BECAUSE I am her mom. She is a part of me and while these things are happening to her body....I still feel them.
You know that old saying of how raising a child is like watching your heart walk around outside of your body? I think it's true...I think that's why I feel it like I do. That connection between a mother and her child is indescribable....it's beautiful...at times it's heart wrenching....but it's unbreakable.
So, yes.....I am learning that its ok to have my moments on the pity party couch. They are a good thing actually...they help me to appreciate things more. I appreciate my own strength more. I appreciate my daughters strength more. I appreciate our life more.