So I wanted to write about something that I've thought of a lot over the years, but never wrote about. I would always decide not to blog about it, because it is one of those topics that typically has varying opinions and strong ones at that.
I am curious though about how people living this D-life feel about God.
There, I said it....I am hoping not to cause any hurt feelings or anything by writing this....I am just really curious. I have spoken with a few people who have said that they have a hard time believing in God since their child was diagnosed. They have a hard time grasping the idea that He would unload this burden on their child and their family for no apparent reason at all. A sweet innocent child...forced to live with and manage a disease that is all encompassing and can be at times all-consuming. How could He make this so? How could He create such heartache and difficulty and place it in the body of a small child?
On the one hand, I can see their point of view. I can see how unfair it is. I can see how they would not believe in Him because of this...because of the circumstance...because of the magnitude of this disease. I get that. I at times have hated Him for it too.
I have spoken with others who believe in God with their whole heart and soul. They live it, breathe it, and that light shines bright with every word spoken from their lips. They somehow are able to accept this disease as what it is...and somehow they are able to not "blame" or "admonish" God for allowing it to happen to their child. I have to admit, I am envious of people who are able to do that all the time. In the beginning of this disease, I hated Him....I hated the fact that he chose my daughter to carry this lifelong disease. I hated the fact that He allowed it to happen....I mean, she was only 4 years old...naive to the pain and to the endurance needed to make it in this life...how could He have dumped this on her shoulders?
I am not an in your face loud and out there religious person. I have beliefs and I do consider myself to be in tune with my spiritual side as best as I can in this moment of my life. I have gotten to the point where I don't blame God. I don't blame Him or hate Him or have any animosity towards him for causing this to happen to Emma. I made the conscious decision to choose to believe that this happened for a reason....diabetes is in our lives for a reason. I think that reason is to connect with others...share in that common bond and goal. I think that reason is to peel away the blinders that lifes stresses puts over my eyes and see the world through a different set of eyes...an appreciative set of eyes. I appreciate life and all of the little moments in between more than I think I would have had diabetes not been a factor. I give more of myself, I care more deeply for others, I listen with open ears and an open heart instead of a distracted selfish one. I see my daughter differently....not in a "poor thing" way, but rather in a breath filled with awe kind of way. I love harder.
So, while yes, I do have moments where I hate this disease and I feel this need to direct my hate for it at someone or something.....for fear of otherwise imploding....and I find myself hating God and hating that He made this happen to my girl. I think more and more so as the days go on, I find myself loving harder and seeing the world more clearly though.
Thinking about this makes me curious how you feel? Do you find diabetes has affected your beliefs? Or has it caused you to see the world differently as well?
It's been nearly 33 years for me, diagnosed at age 5. I've only started to follow Christ in earnest in the past couple of years, but have always believed.
ReplyDeleteWith that in mind, I always think about the blind man Jesus cured. That man lived his whole life blind just to be a witness for Christ's miracle on that day. What a load to bear, and what a prize to gain!