If you're not a fan of profanities, I would suggest not reading this post. I apologize for any potential offending for those of you that do actually continue reading it.
Sometimes I think that old saying of "you get what you give" is a bunch of bullshit. I am a good person. I go out of my way to help people, be there for them, make them smile, and make them feel supported. I always put myself and my feelings last. I go above and beyond in everything I do for others. For example, instead of simply wishing someone a happy birthday....i would be the type of person to make someone cookies or buy them flowers and drop it off at their doorstep just to make them smile first thing in the morning. It's important to me to make others feel good. It's important to me to be a good friend. It's important to me to be a good mom and a good wife. It's important to me to be a good person. I like to help. I like to be the person that others turn to and others think of when they need help. I like it. It makes me feel like I have a purpose in life.
So, if I put all of that out there into the world and I give so much of myself and try to be as good of a person as I possibly can, then why do good things not happen to me? Why have I spent all last night and all fuckin day trying to fight high blood sugars? Why does something as friggin ordinary as a common cold have to cause such chaos and stress and anger with blood sugars? Why can't I just go to the store and buy her some orange juice and give her a big ol glass and not have to count the fuckin carbs and bolus her for it? Why do we have to DO THIS? Why do we have to come up with all of these alternatives and ideas and plans and options and guesses and think think think think think about all of the bull shit that comes along with this disease? Why the fuck can't I just pour her a damn glass of orange juice and give it to her to help her with her cold?
I KNOW why...because of diabetes....because my daughter has type 1 diabetes...THAT'S why I can't. The magnitude of that statement makes my head feel like it will explode sometimes. I know it could be worse. I know she could be dealing with a stomach virus and throwing up and have ketones and low blood sugars and dehydrated. I KNOW it could be that instead. I know a stupid ass common cold is nothing in the grand scheme of things. But I think THAT is what is pissing me off most of all in this moment. The fact that something as simple and common and ordinary and typical and normal as a COLD can cause such freakin havoc on her body and her blood sugars. I feel like a piece of shit pseudo pancreas right now. I have tried absolutely freakin everything to try to bring them down. Rage bolused, temp basals up the wazoo, water, jumping on the friggin trampoline at night with her in the snow, sprinting down the street at night in the snow, changed her site, EVERYTHING....i've done it all....I've eliminated all of the other potential possibilities for these stubborn ass highs and come to the conclusion that it's simply because of the damn cold.
I hate this disease. Yes, somedays I forget about it...I have learned to deal with it. I know "it's just a number...treat it and move on." I know all of the text book sayings people reference to try to make others feel better. I know them and i get them and i appreciate the sentiment.....i truly do. But it's still a bunch of bullshit. It's a big steaming pile of horse shit. Diabetes is a bitch and I hate it in this moment in time. It's January 18, 2013 8:55pm....and I fucking hate diabetes...and I am ALLOWED to hate it right now. I am feeling this and living in it and stewing in my hatred because I have put in my time...my daughter has put in her time and I am allowed to be pissed right the fuck off.
That is all.
Again, I hope I didnt make anyone's ears bleed from my flurry of f-words.....but I had to get it out.