Sometimes I feel like I am not me. I feel like I'm watching my life on a TV show or something. Like it's some bad reality tv show that just keeps hanging on...playing every night...at 2 in the morning...and the only one watching it is me. I feel like I am staring at this character version of myself on the screen and thinking "oh that girl looks awful! why doesn't she just sit down for a minute? why doesn't she sleep already?" I feel like I want to turn the channel...I want to flip to the Disney channel and watch some stupid family sitcom where hi-jinx happen, someone winds up doing something outrageous, there is a heartfelt moment, and by the end of the half an hour all of the problems are solved and everyone lives happily every after.
Except I can't change the channel. The remote doesn't work...every time I try to push the buttons on it to change it, it just goes right back to my reality show. Everytime I get up and try to change it the old fashioned way right on the tv itself....same thing. I am stuck. Stuck watching this tired version of myself in a never ending loop. There is no laugh track to ease the tension...there are no commercials for toothpaste or dog food. It's just me....day in and day out.
I find myself noticing all of the little things...the moments where I see the TV version of myself walk into the corner of the wall at night because she is so tired, her balance just a little bit off, her eyes set in a robotic glazed over look...as she trudges up the stairs to her daughter's room to check her blood sugar. I see the monotony in her eyes....I see the never-ending-ness....I see the exhaustion. I notice as the years go on and the seasons run into each other that her hair is a little more gray...the lines around her eyes begin to form. I see just how much diabetes is affecting her whether she likes it or not...whether she fights it or not. I see the look in her eyes as she crawls into bed after a long day. I see the love she has for her child shining straight out from her heart...the core of her being. I see the two of them lost in a fit of giggles over some silly thing they talked about or saw or did. I see them lost in that moment in time....the world around them a blur of mundane intensity. I see the child walk beside her Mom...they have the same mannerisms...they walk the same...they tilt their head the same way when they are deep in thought. I see the child reach out and grab her Mom's hand with so much ease and comfort that it brings tears to my eyes. I see the adoration in their eyes. I see the strength between them. I see the power that pours from within each and magnifies between them with every beat of their hearts...every breath exhaled from their lungs.
I watch this show and I am overcome with emotion. I want so badly for them to win. I want so badly for them to come out on top and for that seemingly never-ending half an hour to end. I want the theme song to play and the credits to roll...I want the announcer to come on and say stay tuned next week for a reunion show starring the entire cast....except for diabetes...for you see, diabetes is gone....skipped town and is never to return. I want the theme music to slowly fade away and know in my heart that these characters I have followed since day 1 will be ok....they will live happily ever after.