After 4 years, you would think I would be able to remember not to put so much emphasis on one particular blood sugar number. You would think that I would know better by now not to beat myself up over it. You would think that I would realize that it is just one small number measured in one small moment in time.....it is not a reflection of how good or bad I have been doing. It is not a reflection of my crap abilities at being a pancreas. it is not a reflection of my skills as a mom. It is just a number. It is a big fat ugly number that seems to scream at me from the blood sugar meter. How can one number feel like it has knocked the wind out of me and sent me to my hands and knees sprawled on the ground? How can one number have that power? It's just a number! It's just a number! It's JUST A NUMBER!
You would think that I would have this etched into my brain after all of this time....after all of the blood sugar checks we have done...all of the carb counting...all of the boluses and injections. You would think that I would know this. You would think that I wouldn't be sitting here right now pissed off at myself for not being a better pancreas and being able to figure out why the hell i have been battling low blood sugars for the past month.....only to have her body pull a complete 180 on me and now be faced with numbers like 19.8 at lunch time. I know all of this in my head. I know it in my heart. I know it's just a stinkin number....but I still get mad....I still yell at myself in my head....I still blame myself...I still feel like a failure....I still do it. I know the old saying of how we are our own worst enemies. I know it and it is true. I don't think there is anyone else on the planet who is harder on me than ME. I hate it and I wish I wouldn't be like this. I think that I still after all of this time feel like because I am her Mom....I need to fix it...I need to fix the problem and make it right. Even though I know in my head from experience that you can not always fix it....you can not always make it right when it comes to diabetes. It's just not possible.
Diabetes is not black and white. It is not a fan of keeping it simple and what works for you one day or even one month....will not necessarily work for you tomorrow. I hate the grey uncertainty...i hate the unknown...i hate it. I just wish I could take the two sides of myself and my thoughts and superglue them together so I could convince myself that the time I am wasting right now in even thinking the thoughts I am thinking and writing about is stupid. I am wasting energy in beating myself up over a number....actually a string of numbers over the past few days. I am wasting the energy. They are in the past and there is nothing I can do about them now. I need to step back....breathe....and move the heck on.
Because there will always be more numbers....always more checks...always more adjustments and always more changes. Change is constant in this life and whether I like it or not, I must accept it. It doesn't make me a bad person...a bad mom...or even a bad pancreas. Those things are defined by how I choose to handle the numbers....and how i choose to react to them. Do I sit here and waste more time getting pissed and angry and frustrated and overwhelmed and fighting the urge to wave the white flag in defeat? Or do I stop. Do I stop and tell that critic in my head to shut up?
I hung out in option A for long enough today..........it's getting me nowhere fast.....so I am now choosing option B.