So I went out for breakfast this morning with a fellow D-Mom...a good friend...a sister in this life. She gets me. I get her. It's easy....and I am greatful for that ease and that comfort and that same same. As we sat there eating bacon and chatting away about things, it occured to me how strange this life really is. We go out about our day feeling exhausted, feeling stressed, worried...it's always there...always in the back of our minds that at any gven moment the phone could ring and it could be our child's school on the other end telling us that our child is low....passed out...en route to the hospital. We live in that bubble of the constant threat of danger. Sure, we put on our happy faces and we pretend like nothing is wrong...we pretend like we got this...we can do it...we are fine! We pretend like we aren't tired and we aren't scared and we are absolutely perfectly ok.
For the most part, people believe us. For the most part, "the others".....aka...those that have not walked a day in the shoes of a parent of a diabetic child....they buy our facade...they believe our smiles and our reassurances....and our bold faced lies that we are ok...everything is ok. I don't know why we do it really. I don't know why we feel like we have to pretend to the others. Some of us even try to pretend to each other. Maybe it's because we want to seem like we are strong? Like we are capable? Maybe we act this way because we don't want to portray this image of weakness to others? Maybe we are just tired of the pity....tired of the sad eyes and the "oh I don't know how you do it! I could NEVER give my kid needles everyday!" that happened all the time in the beginning? I don't really know why we do it.
I think it is rather strange too how quickly we adapt to this life....how quickly we make it our new normal...how we accept the fact that feeling exhaustion on a daily basis is just a normal thing now. We have embraced that fear and that worry and have gotten so used to it that we don't even realize that it ISN'T normal to feel that way. It isn't normal to be this tired all of the time. It isn't normal to walk through the grocery store and find yourself standing there staring at a shelf of spaghetti noodles realizing that half your mind...half of your thoughts are somewhere down the road back at your child's school...thinking to yourself...I wonder if that lunch bolus was too much....is her basal rate to high?....she has gym coming up soon...I hope she will feel a low if it happens and remember to tell someone....does she have enough test strips in her kit at school still...only 3 more hours until I get to see her again and know that she is ok......ok what was I doing again?...RIGHT...pasta!! It is so strange to think that the way we walk around every day now FEELS normal to us because we are so used to it now......but in reality, it's NOT normal...and if one of "the others" ever had the chance to walk a day in our shoes, they would think we are mad....and not the "angry" kind of mad, if you catch my drift.
There are some that I have noticed see through the facade though. Some that stare just a little too long at your face...studying your tired eyes...knowing that they see something "off"....and yet not quite able to put a finger on what it is. There are also some D-Mom's I have met...like my friend from this morning...that just know....she just knows without me even saying a word...so there is no point in even trying to hide it. I find comfort in that. I find peace in that and it makes it a little easier to go about my day feeling the new normal that isn't so "new" to me anymore.