Since diabetes entered our lives, I have learned that my cell phone ranks pretty high up there on my list of important tools used to manage the big D. It's right alongside the insulin pump and blood sugar meter honestly. I carry it around with me everywhere..when Emma is with me and when she's not. I feel the comfort in knowing that if some sort of emergency were to happen when we are out somewhere, that I would be able to use it get her help. When she is at school or a friend's house, i clutch it in my hands everywhere I go...anticipating that call..that text to tell me that her blood sugar is low and she needs me.
Tonight, we decided to pick up something for supper and my husband and Emma both decided they didn't want to go along for the ride...so I left the house and hopped in the car on my way to grab something to eat. I made it about two streets down from my house when I realized I left the cell phone at home. I instantly felt that sick panicked feeling in my gut...my heart was pounding...I contemplated turning the car around and heading home to grab it. I felt weird...I know it must sound silly, but I felt naked. I had one of those inner arguments with myself that I have sometimes...which i have noticed usually revolve around something diabetes related. I thought, if I turn around and go home and walk in the house to get my phone....my husband could feel like I don't trust him. He might feel like I had no confidence in his abilities to be her pancreas for the mere 20 minutes I would have been gone. I thought if the situation had been reversed, I would have definitely been offended and felt like he didn't trust me. I thought that if I didn't go home to get it, I would have to swallow that sick feeling and just deal with it....just live with it...just push through the naked feeling and focus on the simple task at hand of getting supper for my family. It wouldn't be so bad. Why was I making such a big deal out of nothing? Why was I arguing with myself about something so ridiculous? It's just a phone! It's not like she was going to plummet and have a seizure in the time it would take me to return home. I mean I checked her before I left and she was at a decent number. And that's all beside the point....my husband was there! He was sitting right there next to her! Did I think he was some sort of idiot that wouldn't be able to help her if she was low?
Yes, those are just a few of the thoughts that raced through my head as I sat at the stop sign a few streets down from my house. I know what you're thinking....really, Amy? You are that OCD about a phone? Well, the secret's out....yes, yes I am that way about my phone. It has become a sort of lifeline for me....a connection that I can have with my daughter no matter the time, place, situation....it makes me feel better.
So, after a car pulled up behind me and became impatient with my stupid inner arguing and honked their horn at me to get a move on already.....I decided to just go. I turned the car....and I went. I realized I was being silly and just went about my business of getting supper.
After fate decided my path, I decided to make it worthwhile. On a normal day when Emma isn't with me, if I am in the car...I rarely turn the music up loud for fear of not hearing my phone ring if she needs me. Today, without my phone....I cranked the tunes. I turned Mumford and Sons up as loud as I wanted....I sang along with Marcus Mumford at the top of my lungs...I had my own private little concert right there in the car. It felt nice.
I've come to the conclusion that while the tools of my job are not things that I would have ever chosen to have....they still provide me with comfort. The tools I use every day comfort me as much as they do her.....but every once in a while...it's nice to just be me....to just be Amy...my hands free of these tools...just me...the air in my lungs and my favorite song on the radio. It's nice to just be Amy sometimes.