Tuesday, June 5, 2012

You might find me...

You might find me wandering the halls of Emma's school, blood sugar meter in hand, juice box tucked under my arm...looking a little out of place...a gleam of fear in my eyes and a nervousness about my steps....but I'm just doing my job...being a pancreas...because my daughter's does not work anymore.
You might find me standing next to you at the park, seeming to not be paying attention to a single word you are saying as I stare off into the distance.....but really I am listening...I'm just searching out my daughter as she runs by or hangs upside down from the monkey bars....scanning her face...searching for any sign of a low blood sugar.
You might find me opening up packages of candy or bottles of juice while walking through the grocery store and just handing them over to Emma without even paying for them first. I'm not a thief...I'm not teaching my kid the art of stealing...I'm merely giving her something that will stop her from falling on the floor, passing out, seizing, or even dying.....and don't worry...I will pay for it after I have saved her life once again.
You might find me sitting in the car at a red light, staring off into space, oblivious to the light changing to green....green means go....yes I know....but I am moving in slo-mo because I have been up all night going round for round with diabetes...making sure my kid will wake up in the morning...alive...and smiling. I will stay awake....so she can sleep.
You might find me sitting at the dinner table, lips moving as I silently calculate in my head the amount of carbs she is about to put into her mouth. I haven't lost my mind...or become a mime...I am simply doing math...so she can eat.
You might find me waiting in the wings...off on the sidelines...watching....on a school field trip. I'm not a weirdo...I'm not an overprotective Mom...I'm not hovering or being ridiculous....I'm simply trying to remain hidden...let my kid BE a kid...and at the same time still watch and be her pancreas...from a distance...because I want her to be a kid...and not be embarassed that I am there...and not resent me for it.
You might find me wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday, hair in disarray, glasses askew. I haven't lost my mind or the ability to take care of myself....I have just chosen to use my free moment to nap. Sleep is precious to me now and I will take it when I can get it....there is always time to shower and do laundry after.
You might find me sprinting into the gymnastics class, fruit snack in hand, chasing down my kid. I'm not some kind of freak....I've just spotted the signs of a low and am doing what I need to do to make it stop...to set it right...so my kid can continue on with her life.
You might find me chatting with the teacher, or the school secretary, or the janitor about their children or grandchildren...or the yard sale they had that weekend. I'm not one of those nosy parents...hanging out at the school for the sake of hanging out. I have simply been forced to spend more time within those school walls because of diabetes....and have learned a few things along the way....like showing kindness to those that are around your kid almost as many hours in the day as you....is never a bad thing.
You might find me doing all of these things at one point or another during the day or night. You might think it's sad or depressing or weird....but it's my life. We didn't sign up for it...we didn't choose it...we did nothing to bring it on. It is our life, and we are living it.

1 comment:

  1. Powerful words. I can totally see myself in each of those situations. Especially the 'wearing the same clothes because I chose a nap' one!! Showers are so overrated some days! ;)