I've had a lot on my plate lately....my mental plate, I should clarify. It is nearing the end of the school year here, the 22nd of this month will mark 10 years of marriage for Shawn and I, the 26th of this month will mark Emma's 4 year d-versary, I am still trying to figure out what to do with this overwhelming need and want and desire to have another baby (Shawn is not so keen on the idea), Emma is growing up and becoming more independant...which makes me proud and happy...and yet sad and vacant somehow all at the same time, and I am burnt out....burnt out on diabetes. It's a whole lot all piled up on that plate and some days it seems like no matter what I do...things spill over the edge...staining the proverbial tablecloth that is my sanity.
I sit here late at night, when everyone else is fast asleep...and I am trapped in my own head...all of these thoughts swirling around making me dizzy. It seems like a viscious circle. I'm 35 and most days I feel like I don't have anything figured out...most days I feel like I am no further ahead than I was at 25. Sure I am a teeny bit wiser...a teeny bit stronger...and a teeny bit more brave. But really, what do I have to show for it? What do I have to show for my 35 years on this planet that means something?
Well, I am going to use this post to figure that out.....for myself....and possibly maybe hopefully help someone else who could be dealing with something similar in their own lives.
So, 35 years....................
I have managed to give birth to the most amazing human being I have ever met in my life. She is smart, kind, beautiful, and hilarious. She is without a doubt my greatest accomplishment in life.
I have managed to find and fall in love with and marry my best friend. He may not remember to help with the dishes unless I ask him to first. He may have a sixth sense for choosing the day that I have cleaned the bathroom sink to shave...and leave behind all of those lovely little hairs. He may snore louder than a friggin freight train. He will go out and get me a tea and cough drops when I am sick without a moments hesitation. He will hold the door open for me. He will play the role of Emma's pancreas on days that he doesn't have to work, just so I can sleep in. He tells me I am beautiful even when I don't feel like I am. He will smile at me from across the room...and I will see those dimples...and my heart still skips a beat. He makes me feel safe. He works hard so I can stay home and be Emma's pancreas. He's my best friend and I have managed to make him laugh and smile nearly every day for the past 10 years. That is an amazing accomplishment in my eyes.
I have some of the world's greatest friends. I am a goofball. I like to joke around more than I like to be serious (which is kind of odd, because a lot of my blog posts are serious....maybe this is my special place to get the seriousness out?). I am weird. I am quirky. I don't follow the normal path....I prefer the road less travelled and I am beyond lucky to have my friends at my side.
I like to write. I wrote a book. I wrote 2 books actually....one about our d-life so far...and one full of d-related poetry. That is pretty special, I suppose.
Huh...I guess I have a few things to feel good about. I wonder if this is all just a process....something that will have to be dealt with and sorted out a little at a time. I get scared though...scared that I will wake up one day, 10 years from now and feel like a failure. I wonder if the big D has anything to do with that....my fear of failure. I can't really recall ever having those feelings before. I mean sure, when I was growing up I would get nervous for certain tests in school...feeling like there was no way I could pass. But I am talking about real life fear of failure. That annoying little voice in your head that taunts you.....sometimes causing you to second guess yourself...hesitate...worry. I hate that voice.
Isn't it weird how when you sit down to think about it...reflect upon it....you realize that more often than not...you are your own worst enemy? I find that to be true for myself a lot of the time. Wish I knew how to stop that.