I've had a lot on my plate lately....my mental plate, I should clarify. It is nearing the end of the school year here, the 22nd of this month will mark 10 years of marriage for Shawn and I, the 26th of this month will mark Emma's 4 year d-versary, I am still trying to figure out what to do with this overwhelming need and want and desire to have another baby (Shawn is not so keen on the idea), Emma is growing up and becoming more independant...which makes me proud and happy...and yet sad and vacant somehow all at the same time, and I am burnt out....burnt out on diabetes. It's a whole lot all piled up on that plate and some days it seems like no matter what I do...things spill over the edge...staining the proverbial tablecloth that is my sanity.
I sit here late at night, when everyone else is fast asleep...and I am trapped in my own head...all of these thoughts swirling around making me dizzy. It seems like a viscious circle. I'm 35 and most days I feel like I don't have anything figured out...most days I feel like I am no further ahead than I was at 25. Sure I am a teeny bit wiser...a teeny bit stronger...and a teeny bit more brave. But really, what do I have to show for it? What do I have to show for my 35 years on this planet that means something?
Well, I am going to use this post to figure that out.....for myself....and possibly maybe hopefully help someone else who could be dealing with something similar in their own lives.
So, 35 years....................
I have managed to give birth to the most amazing human being I have ever met in my life. She is smart, kind, beautiful, and hilarious. She is without a doubt my greatest accomplishment in life.
I have managed to find and fall in love with and marry my best friend. He may not remember to help with the dishes unless I ask him to first. He may have a sixth sense for choosing the day that I have cleaned the bathroom sink to shave...and leave behind all of those lovely little hairs. He may snore louder than a friggin freight train. He will go out and get me a tea and cough drops when I am sick without a moments hesitation. He will hold the door open for me. He will play the role of Emma's pancreas on days that he doesn't have to work, just so I can sleep in. He tells me I am beautiful even when I don't feel like I am. He will smile at me from across the room...and I will see those dimples...and my heart still skips a beat. He makes me feel safe. He works hard so I can stay home and be Emma's pancreas. He's my best friend and I have managed to make him laugh and smile nearly every day for the past 10 years. That is an amazing accomplishment in my eyes.
I have some of the world's greatest friends. I am a goofball. I like to joke around more than I like to be serious (which is kind of odd, because a lot of my blog posts are serious....maybe this is my special place to get the seriousness out?). I am weird. I am quirky. I don't follow the normal path....I prefer the road less travelled and I am beyond lucky to have my friends at my side.
I like to write. I wrote a book. I wrote 2 books actually....one about our d-life so far...and one full of d-related poetry. That is pretty special, I suppose.
Huh...I guess I have a few things to feel good about. I wonder if this is all just a process....something that will have to be dealt with and sorted out a little at a time. I get scared though...scared that I will wake up one day, 10 years from now and feel like a failure. I wonder if the big D has anything to do with that....my fear of failure. I can't really recall ever having those feelings before. I mean sure, when I was growing up I would get nervous for certain tests in school...feeling like there was no way I could pass. But I am talking about real life fear of failure. That annoying little voice in your head that taunts you.....sometimes causing you to second guess yourself...hesitate...worry. I hate that voice.
Isn't it weird how when you sit down to think about it...reflect upon it....you realize that more often than not...you are your own worst enemy? I find that to be true for myself a lot of the time. Wish I knew how to stop that.
I also am afraid I will not leave anything when I am gone, disposable diapers refusing to biodegrade notwithstanding. Then I do exactly what you did, take stock in what I have acheived.
ReplyDeleteI have written and had published a book, brought 5 incredible kids into this world- raised a few of them as a single mom, against all odds bought a house on my own as a single parent, homeschool my daughter, been my sons artificial pancreas and managed to keep him alive. And I still worry that I'm not doing it all right.
This disease takes it's toll emotionally and regardless of how we try not to let it happen, it does to some degree define us, our children and our families. Sometimes the pervading definition is fear. We are afraid we are doing it wrong, that we will somehow harm our child, that we will wake up one day and,well, that they won't. And isn't that really it? That we are so afraid we are going to screw it up that badly that we second guess ourselves all the time. Are we really up to the task? Can we really do this day after day, year after year. Does the worry ever end?
It is what it is and that will never go away, but it is not all that there is.
You are not the same person that you were at 25. At that age you didn't know anything about being a mother of a diabetic child, hey you weren't even a mom yet! Think about all you have accomplished since then!
I've never even met you and I know one of your most successful accomplishments is your blog. You have created such a personal view of diabetes. Any of us that read your ramblings (no I can't say I've read them all, but I have gotten around to many of them) find a poignant and humorous face given to our dilemma. That in itself is a huge! You touch so many with your writing and little thoughts, you speak to it so well that there are times I read your column and feel you are in my head.
Oh and lets not forget Diabetic Barbie! What an outpouring of support you garnered for that.
You are a mountain mover.
I think you just need to see yourself as others see you. That would fix the problem :)
Peace- Holly
Oh Holly, you have no idea how much that meant to me. Thank you for the kind words...you, my friend, are incredible.
DeleteI too would have liked to have another one, but my Shawn wasn't game either-lol. And now of course I am 41.... I guess one good thing about the big D keeping me so exhausted is that I am not sure I would have the energy for a baby anyway....
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