There are really few things in this world that will send chills down my spine anymore. I don't scare easily. I have seen too many things and had to endure too many things in my 35 years that have caused me to sort of build up this wall of safety around me. I have always been a risk taker. I tend to follow my heart as opposed to my head...which doesn't always turn out to be a good thing...but it's who I am.
However, since diabetes has come into our lives, I've realized that there are a few phrases that send me into a pure state of panic. One of them being "Mommy! I think I'm LOW!" As soon as I hear those words fall from Emma's lips, my heart begins to pound, my hands begin to shake, a sweat breaks out on my forehead...and yet at the same time my blood seems to turn to ice coursing through my body...numbing everything. Panic. Fear. Worry. Anger. Stress. Wondering if this time will be THE time. The time that I have to use the emergency glucagon shot. The time that I won't be lucky and I won't be able to get that low blood sugar to come back up. The time that she will pass out and have a seizure in front of me...in my arms. I wonder if this time will be the time that I will hear her shout that phrase from her bedroom and I will race up the stairs with the blood sugar meter in my shaking hands and open the door to find her convulsing in her bed...eyes rolled back in her head...flailing about...seizing...or worse yet....unconscious....limp...her tiny 8 year old body motionless...lifeless...gone. I wonder these things everytime I hear that phrase come out of her mouth and it terrifies me.
It's really shocking to me that I don't read about more D-parents having heart attacks. With the amount of panic...the amount of immediate stress in those situations...the overwhelmingly pure feeling of fear. The things it must do to our insides....I am really surprised.
Yet, we soldier on...we keep hearing those phrases...we keep fixing the lows...we keep racing up those stairs and giving them life saving juice. We keep staying up all night. We keep checking blood sugars. We keep going...on and on and on like the Energizer bunny. We do it...and we all will continue to do it because we love our kids. It's an amazing thing if you think about it...the weight we carry around every day...and yet we still are able to smile, laugh, have fun with our kids, make them happy. It's pretty incredible in my opinion.