I am a procrastinator. I usually...wait...who am I kidding?....I ALWAYS put myself and my needs last. My main goal (albeit a lofty one) is to make those around me happy...content...safe...and healthy. I focus on keeping smiles on their faces and have a tendency to forget about myself. It's who I am...I have tried to change...I have tried to put myself first...and it never seems to work out.
Anyhoo, way back in October I went to the eye doctor for my regular eye exam. Got things checked out...got scolded for wearing my contacs too much...and was given instructions to take them out more often, wear my glasses, and put drops in my eyes to help with the redness and dryness. Oh yea...I was also told to get more sleep....hmph! Well, I did my best to follow the instructions and returned months later to pick up my new contacs. This was last week actually...flag on the play for forgetting my own needs once again. Anyway, I went there and was once again reamed for not looking after my eyes...she told me that I was damaging them, refused to give me my new contacs, and sent me on my merry way with some antibiotic eye drops to clear things up. I returned today and received much nicer news. I had actually put myself first in the eye department for once and managed to put the drops in, wear my glasses, and take a couple naps on the couch while Shawn played the role of Emma's pancreas.
This whole eye debacle got me thinking though...I actually think the real reason why I finally put myself first the past couple of days was because I was scared. I sat there imagining myself...blind...trying to figure out a way to take care of Emma and her diabetes. It would be impossible. The full responsibility would fall on her shoulders and Shawn's shoulders. I would be left in the dark...literally. I would not be able to bolus her for meals, I would not be able to even prepare her meals and measure things out, I would not be able to check her blood sugar, I would not be able to make necessary adjustments to her ratios and rates, I would not be able to do a site change.
I would not be able to see her beautiful face.
It scared me. It was like a slap in the face to stop neglecting myself...especially when it comes to my health. I am not really a control freak or anything...but I can not fathom not being able to be "the one" who looks after her diabetes. Yes, I complain every once and a while about how Shawn doesn't help as much as I would like him too...I complain about how it all falls on my shoulders because he works and I am home...I complain...but in reality...if that job was taken away from me...I would be scared out of my mind.
So, I think it is time to start taking a mental inventory of my own health and try to focus on me more often. What good would I be to Emma if I was not healthy myself? No good at all.