So, yea.....I think I kind of failed on the whole D-Mom front this morning. I realized that I've been doing something....or rather SAYING something rather inappropriate over the years...and it makes me feel bad that it took me this long to realize just how important it is to pay closer attention to the words I choose to use.
Emma has a substitute teacher this morning...and I gave her my usual condensed version of type 1 diabetes according to Emma's body before school this morning. I walked up to her and began with, "Hi! This is Emma...she's the 'one with diabetes'......." Even hearing my own words echoing in my head now....makes me cringe. I realized that I have started out every conversation I've ever had with a substitute teacher that way. I guess in my mind I figured the regular teacher had left notes about the class and what the schedule was....and in turn would have included info about Emma and her type 1 diabetes. So, I was simply clarifying from the get go...to avoid any confusion...that she was in fact, the one with diabetes that they had hopefully read about that morning when they arrived at school. I guess that was my thought process....but today when I said it...Emma happened to be standing in my line of sight and I saw the look on her face as the words fell from my lips. I can't really describe it.....annoyance? Exasperation? Sick of the monotony? Tired of the whole broken record shpeel?.......or more so, irritated at being referred to as "the one with diabetes".....especially by her own Mom.
My guess is the latter.
I feel like a jerk for not realizing how heavy my words could be. I feel like a jerk for taking so long to realize it. I feel like a jerk for so callously referring to my daughter that way over and over again to these substitutes.
I feel like a jerk.
Alas, I'm not perfect.....and my kid knows this. I make mistakes all the time. While I hate the fact that it took me this long to realize what I was actually saying, I am kind of greatful that it has given me the chance to show my kid that even though we've been doing this for 5+ years now, I still make mistakes....and that's ok. I'm happy that it gives me the chance to talk with her and apologize to her and make her see that mistakes are inevitable in this life.....and how we choose to handle those moments of screwing up is the real measure of our strength.
I screwed up.....and I will make it right.