When I think back to the beginning days of being a D-Mom, one word comes to mind.....overwhelmed. So, when I read posts online from new D-Moms being welcomed into the club that no one in their right mind would ever sign up to be a part of....my heart hurts. I want to tell them that I get it...I know what it feels like...those times when your heart is pounding with fear and worry as you prepare the needle for injection time. How you sometimes break out in a cold sweat while walking down the aisle at the grocery store...not quite sure what to grab off the shelf...not quite sure what you are looking for...kind of staring at everything and yet nothing all at the same time. I know how you feel like you might burst into tears if someone...an employee or a fellow shopper notices the anxious look in your eyes and asks if they can help you as you stare blankly at the nutrition information on the back of a package of spaghetti noodles trying to understand how you are ever going to figure out how many carbs is actually in 1/12th of the package...uncooked, of course.
I want to tell them that I know how it feels to lay in bed...your head resting on your pillow...your ears intently tuned on any and all noises that may or may not come from the next room...where diabetes is now sleeping with your child. You lay there....eyes wide...wondering if you will ever be able to sleep again...wondering if you should get up to make sure they are still breathing...wondering how in the hell your spouse can be snoring away sleeping so peacefully next to you....fighting the urge to elbow them in the stomach out of frustration and jealousy and exhaustion.
I want to tell them that I know how it feels to send diabetes off to school with your kid for the first time ever. How it feels like your heart may pound right out of your chest with fear. How every single part of you is screaming that this is wrong...you shouldn't let them go...how can you just send them off...this is wrong...you shouldn't be doing this...no one will care for them as good as you...no one will pay as close attention...no one will be able to keep them safe like you. I know how hard it is to fight those screams...to kiss them goodbye....turn around...and walk away...leaving them there. I know how your feet feel like they weigh a thousand pounds each...how each step further away feels wrong...and like you are lost.
I want to tell these new D-Moms all of this and more. I want them to know that I get it. I feel it. I am just like them. They are not alone.
I want to give them hope. I want them to know that it will be ok...their child will be ok...they will be ok.
So, I tell them so. I send my virtual hugs. I blink back my own tears of sadness over another family being a part of our club...and I offer up myself...my experience...my heart...my ear to listen...and my shoulder to lean on. It's what I do...and I hope that it's enough in that moment.