Friday, March 29, 2013

Daddy's and their daughters

Yesterday out of the blue, Emma asked me to tell her about the day she was diagnosed. It kind of caught me off guard really. I mean I always wonder if she thinks about her diabetes...and how often...and how she feels. I guess I always assumed that if there was something she wanted to know that she would ask me. If shouldn't have come as a surprise really...but it felt like her words flew at me like a punch to the gut. I tried to keep a composed look on my face...and I was very careful in the words I chose to use when describing that day to her. I didn't want to hide anything...because I think it's important that she knows. I mean I go around many days advocating and educating people on the signs and symptoms and how I knew that there was something going on with why would I want to gloss over those details with her of all people? I do know though that she is a very sensitive kid. She hangs on every word and takes it to heart. I didn't want to upset her or make her cry. We've both cried enough tears over this disease to fill an ocean. 
So, I explained to her how it happened. From where we were when I got the phone call from the doctor telling me I needed to get her to the hospital immediately because her bloodwork results came back and she has diabetes, (I decided to skip over the part where I asked the doctor if Emma was going to die. I skipped it because I didn't want to scare her.) to the stairs we walked down to go and register the little drab room we spent the day in waiting...learning...getting more blood taken. She asked me how I told her that she has diabetes. She wanted to know word for word what I said and how I explained it to her and if she understood. I told her that after the doctor came in and told us that she has diabetes and left the room then....I held her and told her, "you have diabetes baby...but it will be ok...I promise. It just means that we will have to start paying more attention to what we eat and choosing to eat things that are better for know, like carrots!" I told her how looking back on that moment now...I feel like an idiot...because I was so naive and I didn't know anything about diabetes...and to bring up carrots of all things...sigh...I feel stupid thinking about it now. She laughed and told me its ok...I didn't know back then.
I explained to her how we all were crying when we had to give her the first injection after she ate dinner that day. I was crying, she was crying, and her daddy was crying. She was stunned. I can relate. I mean every little girl thinks of their father as this invincible person with super human strength and never gets hurt...never cries...never is afraid. Daddy is the pure honest definition of the word strength. I told her that the only times I have ever seen her daddy cry was when she was born and he saw her for the first time....and when she was diagnosed and got her first injection. I told her how I didn't even see him cry when his own mom passed away. With tears in her own eyes, Emma looked at me and smiled. I don't know exactly what she was thinking....but I am sure it was something to do with feeling in her heart just how much her daddy loves her. 
I spend my days being her pancreas...her mom...her partner in crime...and her biggest fan and supporter. I love her with every single fiber of my being. I breathe for her. My heart continues to beat every day for her. I know she loves me as well...I know she feels the same. There are no words to describe how it feels to witness the depths of the love they share. I mean I know how I feel about my own dad...and I assume it's the same type of feeling. But it's just an amazing feeling to see it on her face...on his see it with my own two eyes. 
So, while yes...the conversation started out painful for me and full of heartache in remembering that finished with love and feeling like my heart was full. A bond between a daughter and her daddy is a pretty amazing thing.

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