Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Sitting on her bedroom floor at 1:00am

Sitting on the floor of her room...it's almost 1:00am....here we are again. Another low. It didn't wake her up. They never wake her up. How can I ever sleep again? It's been almost 5 years and we are still doing it...still not sleeping...still worrying...still scared. How long will it go on? Sitting here on her bedroom floor...watching her sleep...peacefully...oblivious to the fact that my heart is pounding and crazy thoughts of will I lose her this time...will diabetes win this time...will I be that parent...will we be the ones you read about tomorrow on Facebook. Will diabetes win this time? Has my luck run out? I try and try and try until I have nothing left to try with anymore...and then somehow I still keep trying. I hate you diabetes. I hate that you cause these frightened tears to fall from my eyes. I hate that you steal away my sense of security and comfort. I hate that you do this to us.
Sitting on the floor of her bedroom...staring at the clock...trapped in this moment of time...my own personal bubble of fear....watching her chest rise and fall...waiting for my worst nightmare to come to life before my very eyes....waiting for her to gasp for air and her body to twitch and begin convulsing in seizures...because of you....YOU.
She is MY daughter....she does not belong to you...and yet I'm forced to share her with you. I hate you. Every single part of my body is on red alert...watching...waiting...for the worst...hoping for the best...praying that I will win again...knowing that the odds are stacked against me...but hoping anyway.
The sound of the humidifier in her room is constant and soothing and calm. The bright colours of her stuffed animals and painted monkeys on her walls screams happy...fun...child...to me...and here I sit....watching the clock...waiting....trapped.
What I wouldn't give to trade places with her....take this from her...shoulder the weight of it all for her forever and ever. Who will be there to sit on her bedroom floor when she is grown? Who will watch the clock? Who will make sure she lives to see the morning sun?
I hate you in this moment diabetes. I hate that you fill my mind with these terrifying thoughts as I sit here on the floor...waiting...watching the clock....my heart pounding so hard that I am amazed the sound does not wake her.
I wish I could make the world understand that diabetes is not just about food and exercise and sugar. It's about moments like this.....moments of pure unbridled fear...icy cold...running through my veins and threatening to burst my heart. THIS is diabetes. THIS is what it's like.
THIS is our life...sprinkled in between moments of total bliss....are moments like THIS that make it hard to breathe...diabetes is suffocating me....as I sit...
Here on the floor of her bedroom...at 1:00am with tears streaming down my face...watching her chest rise and fall...and waiting......


  1. This is beautiful and so heart-felt. As well as the kids going through diabetes the parents do too and the parents of type one diabetic kids are absolute superheros! My mum and dad are my superheros and I am sure you are your daughter's too c: she will be safe and you guys won't let diabetes win. Keep your heads up and stay strong c:

  2. Thank you. My daughter was dx on March 10. Today is day 23. She is 6. Already I can see that the people around me don't understand. When I took her to urgent care. I thought that she had leukemia. When I learned it was diabetes, I was relieved. 23 days down the road, I am not so sure.

  3. Beautifully said as I sit and watch by beautiful 6yo daughter as she sleeps.she was diagnosed 3mo ago. But somehow we get the strength to live everyday to let our kids be kids and live life to the fullest while keeping them safe from this awful diabetes. Stay strong and will pray for you and ur little one..

  4. Beautiful. My daughter was diagnosed on the 16th April 2007, I've not slept properly since.

  5. As I sit here reading this with tears running down my face. it reminds me of two weeks ago when I just had the same thing happen with a low of 29. As I watch my sweet angel sleep not knowing if each breath she takes will be her last. but I won, I beat DIABETES again. it's been 1 1/2 years since diabetes disrupted our lives and I still feel like it's only been a few days. thank you Amy for letting me see that I'm not the only D-parent who has those long nights. use D-parents need to stick together. WE WILL WIN THIS FIGHT. DIABETES WILL LOSE. God Bless us All

  6. You said what my heart thinks. Thank you