Sitting on the floor of her room...it's almost 1:00am....here we are again. Another low. It didn't wake her up. They never wake her up. How can I ever sleep again? It's been almost 5 years and we are still doing it...still not sleeping...still worrying...still scared. How long will it go on? Sitting here on her bedroom floor...watching her sleep...peacefully...oblivious to the fact that my heart is pounding and crazy thoughts of will I lose her this time...will diabetes win this time...will I be that parent...will we be the ones you read about tomorrow on Facebook. Will diabetes win this time? Has my luck run out? I try and try and try until I have nothing left to try with anymore...and then somehow I still keep trying. I hate you diabetes. I hate that you cause these frightened tears to fall from my eyes. I hate that you steal away my sense of security and comfort. I hate that you do this to us.
Sitting on the floor of her bedroom...staring at the clock...trapped in this moment of time...my own personal bubble of fear....watching her chest rise and fall...waiting for my worst nightmare to come to life before my very eyes....waiting for her to gasp for air and her body to twitch and begin convulsing in seizures...because of you....YOU.
She is MY daughter....she does not belong to you...and yet I'm forced to share her with you. I hate you. Every single part of my body is on red alert...watching...waiting...for the worst...hoping for the best...praying that I will win again...knowing that the odds are stacked against me...but hoping anyway.
The sound of the humidifier in her room is constant and soothing and calm. The bright colours of her stuffed animals and painted monkeys on her walls screams happy...fun...child...to me...and here I sit....watching the clock...waiting....trapped.
What I wouldn't give to trade places with her....take this from her...shoulder the weight of it all for her forever and ever. Who will be there to sit on her bedroom floor when she is grown? Who will watch the clock? Who will make sure she lives to see the morning sun?
I hate you in this moment diabetes. I hate that you fill my mind with these terrifying thoughts as I sit here on the floor...waiting...watching the clock....my heart pounding so hard that I am amazed the sound does not wake her.
I wish I could make the world understand that diabetes is not just about food and exercise and sugar. It's about moments like this.....moments of pure unbridled fear...icy cold...running through my veins and threatening to burst my heart. THIS is diabetes. THIS is what it's like.
THIS is our life...sprinkled in between moments of total bliss....are moments like THIS that make it hard to breathe...diabetes is suffocating me....as I sit...
Here on the floor of her bedroom...at 1:00am with tears streaming down my face...watching her chest rise and fall...and waiting......