Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Accepting failure

How do you know when you have reached a point of acceptance in your career as a D-Mom?
When you have spent a full two days...48 hours...battling high blood sugars due to your child having something so "simple" as a common cold...and you realize that you went round for round with diabetes...and while, did win some of those rounds...for the most part, you failed.

I am sitting here on my couch in my quiet living room...the only sound is the constant whir of the humidifier in Emma's room coming through the baby monitor laying on the back of the couch next to my head. It's's calm...all the noises of the day are over. The constant beeping and clicking of the meter and lancet over for now. The muttered curse words have ceased to fall from my angry pursed lips. I've accepted it. I lost this round.

The odd thing about this realization though is the fact that I'm ok with it. I'm ok with losing this round because I know that I did everything I could. I tried my best. I rage boluses like a champion. I rocked temp basals up to 150% (that's 150% MORE basal than she normally gets on a good day) without batting an eyelash. I changed sites, I changed insulin, I have corrections, I pushed her to drink water like a late night infomercial host pushing me to buy a pair of jeggings. I did it all. I tried every single thing I could think of...every possible option. I googled ideas to help...I looked through the stack of papers I got at diagnosis hoping to find some nugget of info that I had since forgotten over the past almost 5 yrs.

I tried.

And I failed.

And I'm ok with that.

Do you want to know why I'm ok with failing?

Because I get to wake up tomorrow morning and try again. I get to have a clean slate when she wakes up tomorrow morning and jab a needle into her fingertip and squeeze blood out of it and put it on a test strip and wait for that beep....that ever present constant beep in my life...and I get to hold my breath as I watch it count down...5....4...3...2...1....and I get to try again.

Yes, I may lose again tomorrow. I may exhaust all of the possible options again...causing me to feel like I am going insane and might as well be banging my weary head against the brick wall of my house.....

....but I get the chance to try again.

Some people don't get that chance. Some people would give anything to have that chance to be so utterly and completely frustrated. Some people lay awake at night with tears of grief and anguish falling from their eyes...wishing for that chance again...that chance to try.

I failed today...and I'm ok with it.

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