I think a lot of times people try to wrap diabetes up in this pretty little package and tie it with a nice neat perfectly knotted red bow. We try to decipher the impossible and we sometimes get lost in a swirl of numbers and circumstances. It's been five years now, and I am not an expert....not even close, actually...but I do know a couple of things.
Diabetes will never fit in a pretty little package. It will never be something that can be explained in certainties and black and white answers. There is sometimes no logic or reasoning to the number...the outcome...the problem. It is what it is. If we spend our days getting caught up trying to figure out why that one high blood sugar occurred that one time she ate that order of fries, we will wind up driving ourselves crazy.
It's all about learning how to roll with the punches and make it work in that gray area of guessing at carbs and predicting how activity and insulin will affect the blood sugar. We have to teach ourselves to be ok with not knowing why a high blood sugar occurred. We have to accept that sometimes shit just happens. What worked for you one time last week, can have a totally different outcome today.
Diabetes isn't pretty. There's the pen needles masked in brightly coloured cases, the insulin pumps with fun skins of every imaginable pattern and colour, the meter cases shaped like frogs, and pump pouches with flowers or rainbows or superhero patterns on them. We try to make it pretty. We try to make it less....medical. But it's still a needle beneath that pretty packaging. It's still a medical device that we use to keep ourselves or our children alive. Beneath it all, no matter how much we try to make it pretty....diabetes is ugly.
It's so ugly that sometimes it makes our thoughts ugly too....sometimes it makes our spirits ugly...our mood ugly. And you know what? That's ok! It's ok to get pissed. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to see that ugly number pop up on the meter and let an ugly word fall from your lips in frustration. It's ok to cry. It's ok to let whatever ugly feelings you are having just pour from your heart. It's more than just ok....it's good actually...it's healing. If you leave those ugly feelings and thoughts trapped inside, they will fester and grow and become too heavy a burden to bear. So, let them out. Unleash the ugly when you need to...it's ok.
Don't ever forget though....that once the ugly thoughts and feelings are out of your head, you just might find yourself seeing the beauty once again. The smile on your child's face...the laughter that escapes from their lips...the hugs...the embrace of a true kindred spirit who knows all about the ugliness. Let the ugly out....but always keep an eye out for the beauty when your done.