Sunday, November 10, 2013

I wonder too much

I wonder what it will be like when a cure arrives. I wonder if I will find out from a breaking news story on TV....or a call from a fellow D-Mom...possibly a call from Emma's doctor. I wonder if I will even believe it...or if I will be jaded and leary about the whole thing. I wonder how it will work....will we all march down to the hospital and wait in line to receive it? Will we find ourselves standing there surrounded by hundreds of our friends...our family...our people? Will we cry...hug....scream with joy and in line bursting with excitement? Will we stand there shock...overcome with emotion that renders us silent?

I wonder how it will feel to stand there waiting for our turn. Will they call our name? Will we have to take a number? Will we have to make an appointment first?

I wonder how that car ride to the hospital will feel. Will I remember that first car ride to the hospital...when she was about to be everything seemed to be moving in slow motion....people smiling and holding hands as they walked down the idea that inside that car, my world was crumbling all around me. I wonder if it will feel like a short ride...or the longest one of my life. Will I run every red light? Will I continue on like a daze of disbelief?

How will I tell my daughter? How will my heart and my head be able to withstand the magnitude of emotion that will surely come when I utter the words, "they found a's over...we did it!" How will my heart not burst with love and relief and pure joy in that moment?

These are things that I think about. Things that have crossed my mind countless times over the years. Things that keep me moving. Things that hurt my soul if I linger too long imagining the day. It's easy to say...just have hope...just have faith...just keep plugging along...patience is a virtue. It's easy to say. It's easy to convince yourself of these things day in and day out while you are living it. Oh, but when the day is gone...and the night sky wraps it's silent arms around you in a weary's's hard not to think....

No comments:

Post a Comment