Monday, November 18, 2013

Miles to go before I sleep

Do you ever sit there and think that maybe this night I will go to sleep...I will rest my weary head...I will close my eyes to the day and wake up the next morning and it will all have been just a bad dream? It will all have been just a really long...really intense...really stressful and vivid nightmare?

I do.

Even though it's been over five years now, I still think that sometimes. Maybe it's that flicker of my old self still screaming in the back of my mind. Maybe it's her. Maybe she has been screaming so hard for so long that now her voice is but a mere whisper...and I only hear it randomly...when the day is done...and my ears are filled with the silence of my own bedroom.

Do you ever feel like you just can't do it anymore? Like you'd give anything to be able to just wave the white flag in defeat and lay the dirt...and fall asleep as the tears fall from your eyes. A sigh escaping your lips. You're so very tired...and all you want to do is just lay there in a heap and never move again?

I do.

Some days I feel like I have been doing this so long that I don't even know how to live without it. I don't know how to have a day without diabetes anymore. I don't remember what it's like to just go to sleep and not think twice about my child sleeping in the next room. I don't know what it's like to send her off to school without diabetes along for the ride. I don't remember what it's like to prepare a meal and just give her food without measuring it or counting the carbs or giving her insulin first. I don't remember what it's like. It's been so long. And does that poem go again? You know, the one by Robert Frost? "...The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep." 

I have miles to go before I sleep.

And yes....these woods ARE dark and deep.....

...but they're also lovely...

Sometimes I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. Sometimes I lose sight of the loveliness. And that's ok. 

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