Sometimes all you need is a little help through the starting gates. You need that gentle hand guiding you...showing you the way...sharing their experience and their light. I struggle sometimes with what to do...I wander around in circles...lost...heart full of aching misery...my blinders are up to the light that is surrounding me. Sometimes I need that help to peel away the blinders...to take away some of the heartache.
I have a hard time asking for help...a REALLY hard time. I don't know why exactly. I think maybe it's gotten worse the longer I've been a D-Mom. I think I have this convoluted idea in my head that I need to appear like I have it all together...I need to appear strong...I need to put up this front like I know what I'm doing most of the time. When those times occur that I screw up and diabetes gets the best of me...or life in general gets the best of me...I need to just be strong anyway and say I'm ok and I don't need help...I'm fine...I'm good...really I'm ok. When a lot of those times, I'm actually not ok. I think it's because the day before Emma was diagnosed, I was naive...I was oblivious to this life. I was set in my easy...comfortable...low stress life.......and then the rug was ripped out from beneath me. So I feel like if I keep this strong shield up...that I will be safer. Alas, not really the case. I don't know why I think I am so easy to fool about stuff like this.
When I finally do open my mouth and let the words fall out asking for help, I immediately feel nervous....like I should've just kept trudging along in my own head. Almost every time though that I allow myself to be vulnerable and ask for help, I am always amazed at the relief that follows afterwards. I feel like a weight has been lifted. It's freeing. It brings tears to my eyes to know that there really are people out there that can help....angels that walk among us.
It's not all that bad to need help. It's not that painful to ask. It doesn't wind up making me feel weak or stupid. In fact, it makes me feel the complete opposite of that. When I finally ask for help, I feel stronger...I feel safer...I feel like I can do it. There's a moment that passes where I actually see that the supportive hands on my shoulders and the kind words in my ear are where I can draw my strength from until I become comfortable enough to take those steps on my own.
Moral of the story....needing help is ok...no matter your age, your experience, or your comfort level. Needing help is ok and it doesn't mean you are weak.
Thank you for the help tonight, my sweet friend.