Even after all of these years, diabetes still sometimes steals a piece of my heart....grabs it when I least expect it...squeezes it, crushes it between it's evil fingers, throws it on the ground and stomps all over it. It leaves this ache in me...this deep sadness...a shadow inside me...it hurts like someone is stabbing me from the inside out.
Early this morning...about 2 hours before the alarm was set to go off...I heard Emma call out to me from her room. I can sleep through anything...loud tv's, music, anything....the only thing that will wake me up in an instant...is the sound of my daughters voice. I sat bolt upright in bed and fumbled for my glasses. I untangled myself from the blankets and stumbled in the dark over to her room. My first thoughts were....low low low...OMG she's low...here we go...she's having a seizure....my worst nightmares come true...I need to remain calm and save her....low low low...shake the muddied sleep from my brain...focus Amy...focus....oh God please don't take her from me!
I saw her face...and she was not low...she was crying....she looked up at me with tears streaming down her face...and told me she had wet the bed. My brain quickly rewound the previous nights events...knowing it was my fault this had happened. It was my fault she was crying and had wet the bed. I had checked her blood sugar before I went to bed and she was 6.4....a really good number....but just a tad too low for me to feel comfortable leaving her at all night....so, I gave her 7 carbs to boost it up just a tiny little bit. Well, that 7 carbs sent her blood sugar up to 15....and her body tried to get rid of the excess sugar now sitting in her blood...by peeing it out. So, it was my fault. I screwed up. Not the first time....and most definitely will not be the last. Diabetes is a jerk like that.....it gives you the opportunity to feel like a failure at least once a day.
In any case, I cleaned her up....and brought her to our bed to sleep the rest of the morning away until it was time to get up for school. My husband was already awake and getting ready for work...so there was plenty of room. I got her meter and checked her before going back to sleep. As I stood there, waiting for the meter to countdown and show me a number......she looked up at me and through her tears said, "I'm so embarassed Mommy. This is so embarrassing. I mean I'm 9 years old...and I just wet the bed.....sigh....I'm sorry....I can't believe I did that....I'm so embarassed."
I told her to not be embarassed....to not say she was sorry....I told her its ok and it was not her fault....she didn't do this on purpose. I explained to her what had happened that night. I crawled into bed next to her...wrapped my arms around my baby girl...and just held her. I brushed her hair from her tear stained face and held her. I told her that I love her...and I'm sorry this happened...but it's ok.
For the first time in a long time, I fell asleep with my daughter in my arms.
Diabetes stole another piece of my heart this morning....but it also let me have that moment of love. That moment is what I choose to remember about this day.