At the end of the day, it's really about whether or not you are a nice person. I don't mean one of those people that gives you the token nod on the street...I'm talking about a truly nice person...kind...way deep down in your heart.
It's about what you've learned today. Be it learning how to tie your shoes, checking the oil in your car, or figuring out how to change the site on your child's insulin pump. If you stop trying to just make it through the day, and instead focus on what possibilities are hiding in each tick of the clock, it could be so much better.
I am not a fan of the preachy posts that try to cram happiness down your throat and show you the ways of the force when it comes to being a Jedi of joy. I think a lot of times they leave me feeling like I just swallowed a big gulp of over sugared grape koolaid...and like unless I follow those 15 rules, I am some sort of failure.
So, I make it a point to try...everyday...try to be a nice person. I try to show my daughter that she needs to be a nice person. I try to learn something everyday...better myself...open my mind to the world around me. I try to see the beauty in things. I look up and stare at the sky...I see the breathtaking colours in the sunsets and the uniqueness of every fluffy white cloud. I take pictures of my cat...because she makes me smile. I take pictures of my kid...because she makes me smile. I sing in public places...sometimes I even dance...I laugh out loud and don't bother trying to hide it...because I don't care if I look silly. I don't care if people think I'm weird or immature or ridiculous. I don't care if they think I'm a bad example for my daughter. I am who I am. I know if there is one thing I am good at in this life...it's being a Mom....being Emma's Mom.
Living with diabetes in your house makes it hard to be a nice person sometimes. I have days where I hate the numbers that show up on her blood sugar meter so much...that I don't even want to speak...because I'm afraid that the words that will fall out of my mouth will be poisonous. Realizing though that diabetes only has the ability to steal your happiness if you let it...well...that's when the real stuff happens. If you can see that you really are the one in control of your day, then it's easier to smile.
I have spent far too many days in the past five years just trying to make it through each day...just trying to make it to the next number...to the next bolus...the next meal...the next middle of the night check. Life shouldn't be about just making it through. Life shouldn't be all about diabetes. Life shouldn't be about setting yourself up for failure every single day and holding yourself responsible for the ugly moments. Shit happens....and when diabetes is in the mix, even more shit happens. We can't let it run our lives or rule our thoughts. We can't let it take over every aspect of our day and give it power over our hearts. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it's unbelievably hard to manage. We don't deserve to have this on our plate. It's not fair. It's not right. But it is what it is...and I have given so much and allowed diabetes to take so much from us....that I now know, it's not selfish and it's not irrational to want to keep something for myself. It's ok for me to allow myself to be happy. It's ok to allow myself not to think about diabetes all the time. If that makes me a Jedi of joy, well..then I guess I better dust of my lightsaber.