You may say...

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."
You may think I talk too much or don't say enough. You may think that I am overreacting. You may think that I am being dramatic. You may think that I make my life out to be way more difficult than it actually is. You may think that I am a whiner.  You may think that I don't have a life. You may think that I focus too much of my attention on diabetes and my kid. You may think that I am making her believe that she is defined by her diabetes. You may think that my hope will get me nowhere. You may think that it will never amount to anything other than wishful thinking. You may think that I am doing it wrong. You may think that I need to lighten up. You may think that I say the things I say and do the things I do because I want the spotlight. You may think that I do it for the attention. You may think that I am annoying. You may think that I post too much about diabetes. You may think that I do it because I have nothing better to talk about and because I let diabetes rule my life and my thoughts and every little aspect of every little thing that happens to us. You may think that I exaggerate. You may think that I don't need to check my kid as much as I do or worry about her as much as I do or stay awake all hours of the night to ensure she is safe. You may think it's not so bad...she could have it worse...she can get help if she wants it. You may think that it's easy.

But you would be wrong.

You may think that I am strong. You may think that I know what I'm doing. You may think that I have it covered and I don't need help or support or sleep or a hug or just a smile. You may think that I do the things I do and say the things I do because I am trying to make a difference. You may think that I do it to help others. You may think that I do it because I know what it feels like to be new and alone and scared and overwhelmed and sad. You may think I have it all under control. You may think that just because I smile and I joke and I laugh that I am ok. You may think that I just want to fix it. You may think that I see the sad look in a new D-Mom's eyes and I feel it....I don't just see the look....but I feel it. I feel it and it hurts and I want to fix it for them. You may think that I can do this.

Sometimes I don't feel like I can do this. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. Sometimes I feel like I am one step away from getting lost in the whirlwind of numbers and pumps and meters and insulin. Sometimes I feel like I have reached the top of the mountain and am standing tall and proud and singing at the top of my lungs with my arms raised high above my head in victory. Sometimes I feel indestructible. Sometimes I feel like I am in control.

Sometimes I forget that my kid has diabetes.

I do........not often....but sometimes.

One day I hope that I can forget that we had to do this at all. One day I hope that we can get off the roller coaster ride of diabetes and just sit down on the park bench and breathe. One day I just want to be able to take a deep breath......close my eyes....and breathe.

While I wait for that day, I will keep talking. I will keep sharing...the good and the bad...the reality. I will keep helping the new people. I will keep trying to fix that sad look in their eyes. I will keep doing it. Because it's all I can do. I don't have a choice. I could curl up in a corner and cover my sad tired eyes with my hands and be afraid of the life being lived all around me....but that's just not who I am. I can't do it. I have to be loud. I have to stand up. I have to share. It's not a choice...it's not an option....it is what it is...and it's just me.