Ok, so I have clearly lost my mind and I am letting Emma go to a sleepover tonight. I am scared out of my mind because it is the first sleepover she has ever gone to...it is the first time she has ever slept somewhere without me....the first night my baby girl has slept somewhere else without me since the day she was born. I am scared. I'm scared that diabetes won't play nice. Im scared that she will go low or be too high and get ketones and im scared that something dangerous will happen. I'm scared that the Mom looking after her won't understand my instructions and something bad will happen. I'm scared. I don't think i have been this scared since the day she was diagnosed. What if I am making a mistake? what if I am jumping the gun and letting her do something that she isn't ready to do? How in the hell am I going to be able to get any rest myself tonight? The mom is going to be checking Emma at 11:30.....I set a temp basal....i will be going over there to check her myself at 2:00am....the mom will be checking her again at 6:00am and then i will be there at 8:00am to have breakfast with them and pick her up. In reality....it's only 3 hours till i go over there to check her......and then 6 hours from then till i can pick her up. Thats only 9 hours with her out of my sight.....I am friggin scared...9 hours is a lot of hours when diabetes is along for the ride. I'm scared. I hope everything will be ok. I pray everything will be ok. I want diabetes to leave her alone for the night so she can just enjoy being a kid. I want her to have this experience and get to be a kid.
She is only 8. This is the age where sleepovers begin. This is when it happens. I knew it was coming. I knew my days were numbered. I knew that I would have to reach this day soon enough. I knew it would be hard. I knew i would be scared.............and yet........nothing could have prepared me for how scared i actually am.
I hate this disease and i hate how scared it makes me. I hate that I didn't just drop my kid off at a party....i also dropped diabetes off. It's there. It's eating the pizza and the cake and playing the games. It's making crafts and it's playing Just Dance on the Wii too..........it's there......it's there..........it's always friggin there and i hate it. I hate that i couldnt just drop her off...kiss her goodbye and tell her i will see her in the morning.....i hate it. But this is our life. THIS IS OUR LIFE. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it......because diabetes invaded my family......invaded my child......and THIS IS NOW OUR LIFE.
I have learned over the past 4 1/2 years that i tend to jump into things with both feet. She was diagnosed just two months before starting kindergarten and I was terrified to send her to school..........but i did it. She asked to start on the pump when she was in 1st grade........i was terrified of the change..........but i did it. I just jump in. I rip the proverbial bandaid off and just do it even though it scares the shit out of me. So, I am seeing the irony in the fact that i am doing this. I am keeping up with my pattern of jumping in with both feet and just doing it.
Please God let her be ok tonight. Please keep her safe. Please watch over her when i am not there. Please help the other Mom understand what to do when she needs to. Please let this work. Please let her be ok. Please let her wake up to another day tomorrow and please let me see her beautiful face.
Just please......please help my heart stop pounding and please help me breathe. Please.
I just want her to get to be a kid.