Sometimes things happen that remind me of just HOW little my daughter's pancreas does. You would think that I would be well aware of this fact seeing as how we are well into our fourth year of living with diabetes. I know it doesn't work. I know she has diabetes. I know that the only thing keeping her alive every day is a combination of her insulin pump, the insulin inside of it, me, and her. I know this...and yet, when normal every day occurances happen...and diabetes decides to rear it's ugly head.....it feels like a slap across my cheek...reminding me.
This weekend Emma held her 5th Annual Hot Chocolate Sale Fundraiser for JDRF. We had a great time, met lots of new people living with this disease, were embraced with support from family and friends, and raised about $1300 while we were out there. During a lull in the event, Emma decided she wanted to eat one of the yummy looking cupcakes that a friend of mine had made for us to sell. I told her the carb count and had complete faith in her bolusing herself before eating it. I mean why would I not? She boluses herself every single day at school as well as many times at home when I am too busy to do it for her. We continued on with our day, both of us distracted with spreading D-awareness, raising money, and having fun.
Afterwards, we arrived home and I had Emma check her blood sugar before dinner.....she was 28.5. For those of you not in the know, normal blood sugar range is supposed to be between 4.0-7.0. So, that gives you a little perspective into what was going on. Emma had forgotten to bolus for her delicious cupcake. She forgot. I forgot to double check with her that she did it. It was a mistake. Mistakes happen. That wasn't the issue I had with things.
The issue I had with things was the 28.5 screaming at me from the meter screen felt like a slap across my cheek. It hurt. It was a huge reminder that she has diabetes. A HUGE reminder that she can't just eat something as simple and innocent as a cupcake without taking insulin for it. A HUGE reminder that she is different than other kids. A HUGE reminder that her pancreas does...not...work. A HUGE reminder that YES this is OUR LIFE. A HUGE reminder that we are not perfect pancreases. A HUGE reminder. I could hear the word "diabetes" SHOUTING in my head in perfect sync with my pounding heart.
DIABETES DIABETES DIABETES! YOUR DAUGHTER HAS DIABETES! IT'S STILL HERE! IT HASN'T GONE AWAY!! IT'S STILL HERE!! HER PANCREAS DOESN'T WORK AND IT NEVER WILL AGAIN! YOUR BEST HOPE TO END THIS MADNESS IS A CURE! DIABETES DIABETES DIABETES!!!! SHE HAS DIABETES!!!!
That friggin 28.5 hurt. I could feel the slap and it stung.
I hate those reminders. I also find it bizarre that it almost feels like I trick myself every day and pretend like this is normal...what we do is normal. It's all normal and I have my shit together and i got this...i got this and i am ok and i don't get sad and i don't dwell on the negative and i make her life normal and regular and just like everyone elses. I fool myself every single day. I'm pretty gullible apparently...because when reminders like that forgotten bolus resulting in a 28.5 occur....it hurts.
I wonder if it will always be like this. I wonder if 10 years from now I will still feel that sting...or if I will become numb to that too.