Monday, November 12, 2012

The phone call that changed my life

We all have that moment...that memory. We all know exactly where we were when we knew. We know what it felt like...how our insides felt as if they were trying to burst...our grip on sanity slipping....ever so slightly...all because of that moment.
Seeing as how it is Diabetes Awareness Month, I thought I would share my moment. I thought I would let you have a little glimpse into my world...my mind...my life....when I first found out that my daughter had type 1 diabetes.

I had actually been at a friends house when I received that life changing phone call from the doctor. After hanging up the phone, I immediately dialed my husbands number at work to tell him the news. I left the room that Emma was in because I knew that as soon as I heard my husband, Shawn’s voice on the other end of the phone, that I would not be able to hold back the tears. I didn’t want to scare Emma. I didn’t want to worry her already. So, I went downstairs and shut myself in the bathroom and called my husband. It felt like my heart was going to burst right out of my chest. It felt like my throat was closing up on me when I tried to tell him. The tears were spilling over and pouring down my cheeks. I managed to choke out the words, “I have to take Emma to the hospital…they think she has diabetes.” It was the first time that word ever fell from my lips and it left a horrible taste in my mouth…diabetes. When I hung up the phone with him, I leaned against the wall and my body felt weak. My knees gave out on me and I slid to the ground very slowly. Everything felt like it was in slow motion. I sat there on the floor of my friends bathroom feeling numb. It was like I was floating above myself. I was looking down and watching the na├»ve, carefree, and innocent version of myself. I was watching her sit there in a lump on the floor. Watching the tears fall down her cheeks and seeing each individual droplet fall like rain to the ground in front of her. In one hand she was holding the phone in a death grip as if she wanted to break it in half for being the device which delivered such horrific news. The other hand was placed across her chest as if she was trying to hold everything in…keep it all in place…keep herself whole. I saw the innocent light from within her slowly fading away…getting dimmer and smaller…until it winked out forever signifying the end of her carefree life. I saw this new version of myself stand up, furiously wipe the tears from her face, and try to control the anger and fear building inside her. I knew then that my soul was changed forever. My spirit was now completely different. Sure there were still glimpses of my former self in there, but I was now a changed person. In that split second it took for the doctor to say that one sentence, I was forever changed.

It's amazing what one moment in time can do to you.

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