Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Teetering on the edge

I feel myself slipping today. Slipping over the edge into that dark place with this disease. I am teetering on the brink of bad things going on in my head and I am trying to catch my balance. I'm trying to stay on top and not let myself fall....but it's hard. It's really hard this time for some reason. I've been in this place before. I've fallen over the edge many times and gotten sucked into the depression that comes with this life...this never-ending diabetic monotony extravaganza. It's a dark and scary place and it sucks you in. It's awful and I think the worst part of it is that I know it won't be the last time I fall in there. I know this because I can see the marks of previous days and nights spent in that sad place. I can feel the sadness and the wasted breath of screams of anger. I can see the marks upon the wall and the anguish behind them. I feel it. I know I will be there again...and I will find my way out again...and I will fall again...it's a continuous cycle. I find it hard to gather the strength to stay on top and not get sucked in. I don't know if it's because our JDRF Walk is coming up this Sunday...and it will be our 4th time walking. I don't know if it's because next month will mark 4 years of living with this disease...marking half of my baby girl's life. I don't know if it's simply because I am tired...tired of it all...tired of counting carbs, bolusing, deciphering patterns in her numbers and making adjustments to her basal rates...tired of the lows that come out of nowhere...the change in seasons and weather that wreak havoc on numbers. I don't know if it's just because I am tired of it all...I'm just tired. I hate this disease and I hate that it makes me complain. I hate that it makes me feel like I have to fight to stay on that edge...that positive edge that still has sunlight shining down upon it. I hate that there is even a black hole of sadness and depression that I know about. I hate it. I wish that I didn't even know that it existed. I wish that the morning light would shine and I would awaken with a smile upon my face as opposed to pure exhaustion in my eyes and a stuporing stumble in my steps as I make my way to her room to make sure she's still alive. I hate that fear....that never ending fear. I hate how sometimes I feel like I am just fooling myself into thinking that I am in control of this...that as long as I do my best and am as exact as possible and as on top of things as possible...that nothing bad will ever happen...that she will be healthy and happy and fine. I know there are people in this world that are always capable of seeing the positivity in things...and I am usually ok at it...I have a wicked sense of humor (i know...i know...wow...way to speak so highly of yourself at a time like this amy!) But I fall sometimes too...I'm not perfect. I get sad...I get mad at this disease...I get jealous of others that don't have to live this life. I know I shouldn't and I hate that I do...but it still doesn't take away from the fact that I still do sometimes....I can't help what I feel...I just feel it. I endure it and I hate it and I hate myself for not being able to control my emotions sometimes...i hate that I have allowed so many tears to fall. I mask my sadness a lot of times by trying to be funny...laughing it off...making fun of myself and acting like it's no big deal....but a lot of those times I think I am just trying to convince myself that I am ok...that I am fine...that the screaming tears going on inside my head are not really me...so i joke and I laugh...and I make light of it. It's exhausting. I would have hoped after 4 years of this that I would have learned a better way to cope with days like today...but I haven't...and I don't know if that makes me a bad person or not...but it's just the way it is. Maybe someday I will learn a better way...but for now, I will just attempt to keep clawing my way back out and hanging on for dear life to that last speck of sun shining down upon my fingertips.


  1. You aren't alone...I know this cycle well. On the darkest days, everything feels exactly that -- dark. It's hard to find the energy for anything, and one day falls into the next without an identifiable rhythm.

    Then, something happens. Suddenly the sun is brighter, the flowers are more fragrant, the children's smiles seem sweeter. In these moments, I take the world in and wonder how those dark days could ever come when the world is really so perfect.

    But in the back of my mind, I know...the gray will close in eventually...

    In a numbers rut, I feel like I can't escape. Nothing I do seems to help, and my girl is the one who pays the price.

    I get it.

    But I also know the blue skies will reveal themselves again. Hang on, Mama.

    Just keep hanging on.

  2. i know this cycle all too well and you just described how i feel, tired. tired of monitoring my diet and carbs and bg and every unit i take and the damn thing not going right no matter what i do. im coming up to the 15th year now in just under a month i literally cannot remember my life before diabetes (i was 25 months at diagnosis). however only once in those 15 years have i struggled to cope with it i grew up with injections and restrictions being normal.

    i cannot imagine how hard it is for parents to watch their children go through this, to be powerless at times. i just want to say you are doing a wonderful job :) all you parents of cwd do

  3. You are so not alone in this. Everyone who lives this life goes through the ebb and flow; the times when we can look past the worst of it and times when we just can't seem to find anything positive to hold on to.
    The fact that you are blogging and 'getting it out' is proof that you haven't fallen off the edge. Sure, you might be teetering, but you are reaching out for a hand and you have tons of hands ready to take yours and pull you back to solid ground.
    I think sometimes we just have to let ourselves feel what we feel so it doesn't build up to an overwhelming flood that drowns us.
    **HUGS** my friend!