I'm not one to make New Years Resolutions, because it's too much pressure...and I have enough of that on a daily basis as it is. However, I do like to think about ways that I can make the upcoming year better.
I want to remember that it's just a number....be it an a1c number, a high blood sugar, or a low blood sugar.....I need to remember that it's just...a....number. It's not a reflection of how well I'm doing or how poorly I'm doing at playing the role of my daughters pancreas. We've been at this for over five years now and while I am getting better at remembering this fact, I still have my moments where the frustration over the number takes over and I walk around with a black cloud of unfairness over my head. I am going to work on letting the light through that cloud this year. I'm going to let it through and shine on the reality in front of my face. It's a number....just a number.
I want to remember that I'm good enough just the way I am right now in this moment. I'm a good Mom. I'm a good wife. I'm a good friend. I'm a good psuedo pancreas. No matter how hard I would like to try, I will never be able to please everyone all of the time. Not everyone is going to like me. Not everyone is going to agree with my opinions or beliefs. Not everyone is going to support me or be there for me and my family. Not everyone is going to get it. They just won't. And that's ok. I didn't get it before June 26, 2008 either. I can only do the best that I can do and that is perfectly ok. The only people who's opinions I should be concerned with our my family and close friends....because I know that they love me and care about me.
I want to remember that it's ok to make mistakes. Mistakes are the only way I will ever learn. It doesn't mean I've failed...but rather that I've succeeded in thinking outside the box and coming up with an alternative solution.
I want to remember that my kid is going to be 10 years old soon. She's going to want to spread her wings and fly away from the nest more often. She's going to want to be independent more. She's going to want to go on sleepovers and play dates. She will want to hang out with her friends and laugh and talk about boys and enjoy being a kid. I want to remember that just because diabetes is a part of her life, it doesn't mean she can't do these things. I want to teach her more and give her more responsibility and trust her more. I want to give her the chance. I want her to know that I will always be there for her and help her along the way no matter how old she is...because while, yes this is her disease....it is also forever embedded in my soul too...because she's my baby and I love her.
I want to remember that it's ok to be scared. Being scared means that you are doing something right...you are living...you are letting her live...you're not letting diabetes run the show. Being afraid is normal sometimes. It's what you choose to do with that fear that really defines your lives. I want to feel the fear and use the strength of that emotion to keep us moving forward.
Perhaps most of all, I want to remember that life isn't about the big moments...it's not about the victories or the defeats...it's about the steps in between...the small moments along the way...the moments where you feel like you can't go on...like you're losing...the moments where you are exhausted and ready to throw in the towel. Life is about those moments...it's about the journey....the smiles in the snow...the laughs late at night as the stars shine through your bedroom window...the feeling of your child's outstretched arms wrapped around your neck as they hug you and tell you they love you...just because. Life is about the games of Monopoly played on the living room floor on a Sunday night...or times walking through the grocery store hand in hand singing "Summer Nights"...or walking through the rain trick or treating on Halloween with friends.
I want to remember that time flies by and she will be grown and gone before I know it....so I need to enjoy the little moments...the steps along the way. Diabetes is always there....but when I look at my child, I see life...I see joy....I see love. That's what I want to remember this coming year.