Tuesday, December 24, 2013

If there was Facebook in Heaven

If there was Facebook in Heaven, I would write on your wall and tell you thanks. I would put a smiley face emoticon and a heart too. I would tell you thank you for listening to me all day long as I struggled to get Emma's blood sugars down to a decent range. I wasnt looking for perfection....all I wanted was decent. I was near tears at one point this evening....ready to wave the white flag and let my guard down and just sob.....big ugly tears full of frustration and exhaustion. I was ready to let them go...but instead I closed my eyes as I stood at the kitchen sink....my back to the living room where Emma sat. I stood there and closed my eyes and talked to you again. I asked for your help. I begged for your help. I felt weak...and I was lost...I didn't want to shed any more tears for diabetes...especially on this day. See, I've shed enough tears over this disease that they could fill an ocean. I didn't want to give any more of my tears away to diabetes. I asked you to help me be strong again. I asked you to hold my hand and make me believe that I can do this...that this moment right here...right now...this moment is where I show myself what I am made of. I asked you to take away the sadness...take away the feelings of failure...take away the thoughts that I can't do this. I asked you to help me silence diabetes...silence it's negative shouting in my head...silence the way it seems to creep inside my head and convince me that I won't win...that I have no idea what I'm doing...that it's stronger than me...that it's a losing battle...that I will never succeed. I asked for your help...your comfort...your love.

And you were there. Her numbers are finally back down and decent. Christmas Eve...your birthday....wasnt ruined for her. Diabetes didn't win. We won. Together.

If there was Facebook in Heaven, I would write on your wall....

Thank you Grandpa. I miss you more than I can even begin to explain in words. I hope you had a wonderful birthday celebration up there. I bet it's so beautiful where you are that if I were to see it now, it would take my breath away. I can't wait to hug you again...wrap my arms around your neck...hug you and smell your old familiar smell...stare into your bright sparkly eyes...soak in your kind and caring smile...and just hear your voice again...hear your laughter again. I love you. Thank you so much, Grandpa.

I would end it with a heart and a like.


1 comment:

  1. I always love your blog. This was one of the most touching Christmas posts I've ever read.