Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Sometimes I want to Scream

Sometimes I just want to scream. I want to scream at the world. Scream until my ears are ringing and my throat is burning and my voice comes out as nothing but a whispered squeak. I want to scream about how unfair it is...how the numbers sometimes make me feel like I am drowning in a pool of ice cold water...how the whole monotonous never-ending fight sometimes makes me feel like I am teetering on the edge the world. I want to scream and cry and just let it all out in one giant frenzied moment of pure hate...hate for what his disease does to her body...what it does to my mind...what it does to this family. I want to just drop my shield and take off my armor and stand there defenceless and open and vulnerable and just let it out. Sometimes I feel like I could cry for days...white hot tears...tears built up from all the years of sleepless nights and frustrating highs and dangerous frightening lows. I want to scream about how your sniffles and your missed nap and your paper cut are nothing....nothing! I want to scream, you have no idea...none...and I hope and pray to God that you never do! I want to scream why? Why us? Why her? I want to scream until I can't scream anymore and just collapse on ground in a pile of nothing.

Sometimes I want to scream because I am exhausted and I feel like no one cares and no one gets it and no one knows what it does to my heart when I see a stupid number on the meter. Sometimes I want to scream because I am so sick and tired of the judgement and those that claim to be there and yet are never there and those that never even say a word and those that are fake and those that never see past the ends of their own noses. Sometimes I want to scream because I just simply hate it and I wish it wasnt here. Sometimes I just can't take it anymore...not one more blood sugar check or one more high or one more low or one more dizzying ride on this carnival ride from hell.

Sometimes I hate it so much that it almost scares me.

After five years, I've gotten pretty good at hiding my "sometimes feelings" behind my laughs and my sarcasm and my smile. I've gotten good at pretending like it doesn't affect me anymore. I've gotten pretty good at the whole "just keep swimming" mentality. I know I'm not a pancreas. I know it's just a number. I know it's only a snapshot of that particular moment in time. I know technology has improved. I know big things are on the horizon. I know it's all full of hope. I know this.

...but sometimes I just want to scream anyway...

...because I know it's her disease...

...and even though I am at the controls for now...

...one day, it will be only hers...

And that makes me want to scream.


  1. This hit close to home for me. I feel the same way. Some people just have no idea. No matter how much they think they do, they dont. And it does make you want to scream. I let it out sometimes in the car. And I think that is okay

  2. THEN SCREAM!!! If that is what needs to be done to ease a little space in your mind... do it. Hell, I will do it with you. It will be fun and much deserved.

    1. I can't tell you how much I needed to read that!!! It's like you were just inside my head. I wish so much for someone to talk to that knows whats going on inside this little brain of mine, someone who will "scream" and cry with me but laugh at all of the good moments too...the improved A1C's, the perfect 100 blood sugar. This D-life feels very lonely sometimes.

      Thanks again for speaking (perfectly) whats in my mind too!

  3. Thanks so much ladies...for getting me...for screaming with me...and for making me feel not so alone. Xoxo