Wednesday, August 7, 2013

I don't want to be a veteran

Sometimes I get the feeling like people think that because we have been doing this for so many years now, that it's easy...and we don't have any issues with it...and that it doesn't affect me or her anymore. I get the feeling like once a few years have gone by, people label you as a veteran....friends, family members, other d-parents, even doctors and nurses. Its like you reach a certain point in this life where you are just expected to be ok or something. I don't know when it occurred or how many days actually went by before I technically reached that point in other people's eyes...but I feel like we're we are perceived as veterans already.

Just yesterday, sitting in the dreary little room at the hospital clinic for Emma's checkup, even the doctor referred to us as veterans. He had a student with him and was explaining to him a little bit about Emma's insulin pump. He shared her history...when she was old she is, etc...and he said, "ahh but they're veterans now...they get it." It kind of irked me a little bit to be honest. I don't like being referred to as a veteran because I don't feel like I am. Yes, I know more today than I did five years ago....but I don't know everything. I dont think it's possible to know everything about diabetes because there are an infinite number of scenarios and possibilities and chance occurrences that can and usually do affect it. To me, it sort of felt like I was just kind of there....because I had to be...not because I had any questions or because I needed to be instructed on something....I was just there.

Being called a veteran makes me realize that we have been doing this for a long time...and I don't like that reality in my face. To be honest, I feel brushed off sometimes and looked over and passed by because I'm expected to just know it and get it and have the answers and be ok with it all and not get riled up about it anymore.

Being called a veteran feels like I am kind of on my I'm not allowed to have any strong feelings about a bad number or a bad d-day. Like those who are close to me think...ahh she's fine...they're fine...they know what they're doing...she doesn't and shouldn't need any help anymore.

While I wouldn't trade and go back to having to relive those early months after diagnosis again, it still would be nice if the weight that comes along with the word "veteran" wasnt so heavy.

No comments:

Post a Comment