So we are back from our annual road trip home to Wisconsin to visit my family....and I'm tired...not regular Amy tired...but beyond tired. I tried my best at being a pancreas...we had lows...we had highs...we had fun. Now that I'm back home in Ontario, I feel weird....like everything looks different...everything feels different...like I don't belong here and yet I don't belong there either. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. It's odd how the one constant in my life is diabetes. No matter where I am...it's always there. In Wisconsin, Ontario, or in the middle of some random town on the highway. I don't want to say it was comforting to have that one constant....because comforting isn't the right word totally. It was just there...and normal...and the same.
While I was there, laying in the bed next to my sleeping daughter, I started thinking about random things. I thought about what I think Heaven would be like. I know...weird, right? Yea...well I am weird...sorry. I think Heaven is a place where you get to relive all of your favorite memories...you get to do them all over again...experience the laughs and the smiles and the love. You get to experience your first time riding a bike again...your first sleepover at a friends house...your first date...your first love...your wedding day...the day your child is born...all the moments that are stored away in your mind forever.
I think that would be amazing. Maybe it's because I was just back in the city I grew up in...visiting all the old familiar places with my daughter...or maybe it was the day I snuck into my old junior high school and high school with my daughter...and walked behind her down the hallways...realizing how strange that moment was...I hadn't been there for 18 years...and there I was with my daughter, showing her the gym and the rooms and hallways that I wandered as a teenager. Maybe it was seeing my kid take the dog for a walk with her Papa. Maybe it was seeing her play on the playground of my elementary school with the first best friend I ever made when I was 5 years old. I don't know...maybe it was all of these things...they all made me think of all the memories I have stored away.
I feel torn in two once again...being back home. My family is there...and my family is here. It's hard. It's sad. It's a bizarre feeling that I know will eventually go away.
Diabetes is always there. It's a constant in my inconsistent life. It's normal. It's my normal. It's familiar...and what a strange thing to find comfort in. Diabetes, you never cease to amaze me.